“You’re so hard to be nice to”

Usually, if a blog doesn’t roll out of my head and through my fingers in a pretty natural way, it means I am forcing it and should probably pause and question whether I am supposed to be writing about it at all. For days, I have been planning to write about one of the biggest lies I have a tendency to live in (see previous blog). The lie is: I am not enough (thin, eloquent, smart, godly, wise, insightful, etc.). But I gotta tell ya, I have been procrastinating all morning because I simply can’t figure out where to start. Truth be told, I guess I am feeling like I need to have practiced and made some mild improvement before I start spouting off about how to address/conquer/attack my “not enoughism.”I am aware that merely identifying that my thinking is flawed is not, well, enough (and so here we are, back where we started).

Maybe if I just start “talking” God will reveal to me what’s next….

While I was laying on my back and recovering from a brutal workout this morning, for some reason a familiar phrase came to my mind. It’s one my dad says all the time and I have been trying to find a way to incorporate it into a blog for years–I guess today’s the day.

My dad is renowned for saying this to me, my mom, or my sister when he is desperate to serve us in some way but we just aren’t interested. It bothers him so much when we turn down his offer to go get us ice cream, get us a blanket or pillow or provide a list of activity options for our day. When we don’t accept his advice or take him up on his gift of insight or acts of love, he tells us, “You’re so hard to be nice to.”

To be honest, he may be right. But nevertheless, we roll our eyes and continue to do things our way. I thought of this comment in the context of preparing to write about this concept of being “enough”. 

I can sort of picture God wanting to say this to us. To me.

When I complain that I don’t have enough of what it takes to be who I want to be or do what I want to do, I wonder if God reflects on all that he has done, not only by creating us in His image and giving us his beautiful creation in the world and by sending his Son, but also by providing a great spouse, a home, friends, a job, a church, and so many more blessings that are deeply personal. Is my receiver broken in a way that won’t allow me to accept so much goodness? 

I sometimes wonder if God feels like He is not enough for me because I complain so much about all the areas I fall short. He gives me good gifts, yet my gratitude is sparse and my greed grows. I want more of what he has already given me. I am “hard to be nice to” because even after all He does give me, I whine about it or want more. 

On second thought, I think God does know that He is enough and I imagine he is a bit exasperated from trying to help me catch that clue.

I love the image from the Bible about Manna. Manna and quail. Long story from Exodus short: The Israelites were wandering in the desert and began to whine to Moses about food. So God “heard their grumbling” and said he would provide them with bread every morning and quail/meat at night. They were to gather only what they need and not save any for the next day. It was an act of trust for them to believe He would show up again to meet their needs. And He did, for forty years. Once in awhile someone would start doubting and getting fearful that God might take a day off (besides the Sabbath) and would hoard the Manna. The next day it would be rotten and laced with maggots (lovely).

God was teaching the Israelites to be grateful and to trust that what he had given them was sufficient for that day. Tomorrow he would give them what they needed to accomplish what he had for them that day. He does the same for us: He’s enough for today. He’ll be enough tomorrow.

You are enough for today. I am enough for today. Tomorrow, I will be and have enough to carry out what He has in store for me.

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Maybe I am over-complicating it. From how I see it, I am enough of what God needs to use me for each-and-every-day. I still fall short of perfection, but that’s what His grace is for. He makes up the difference. In my weakness, He promises to help me be strong. He helps me find my identity in Him alone so I don’t give in to the comparison trap, causing me to feel less than or insufficient for the task at hand.

I don’t want to be “hard to be nice to”. I want to embrace who he make me to be and rest secure in the knowledge that where I am today is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am enough for today. I’lll be enough tomorrow. 

Dear God, help me live in gratitude for your good gifts and embrace the truth that you alone provide everything I need to be enough. Amen

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