I’m back in the hospital. I’ve already cheered up the place with my lights and party swirls hanging from the ceiling. I have no choice really. The nurses expect it and are disappointed when there is no ambiance. I have nurses and techs who aren’t even assigned to me who come by just to feel the peace and serenity of my room. I already had 2 visitors this morning and got to talk to man who was diagnosed with AML 2 days ago. I loved being able to help ease some of his fears because of what others have done to help me when I was “new” here. Now, it’s like walking into cheers when I arrive, “Heatthhheeerrrr! what’s up?” (Nooorrmmm!!!) except no beer. 🙁
I couldn’t sleep until about 3:00 a.m. last night. So I apologize ahead of time, but I have an arsenal of things to talk about and 5 days in the hospital to “share” them on my blog. Consider yourself warned. 🙂
First topic: Bondage ( now you are listening up, aren’t you!?!?)
When I was “coming to” after being unaware of my condition or physical state in ICU, I had some interesting thoughts. I became aware slowly and I don’t think they knew I was actually cognizant and waking up. I watched 3 nurses scurry around after talking intensely in a little group and then furiously type on their computer. No one I knew was in this room and I didn’t even know how and when I got there or why. It occurred to me that they might be trying to save my life. That seemed bad. Eventually my family came (apparently it was only about an hour later but in my mind it had been ALL day long. I was a bit upset with them, thinking they had abandoned me even though they had all been there 24-7 every other moment of that 8 day stretch of unconsciousness).
All that back story to say that I was intubated ( get it? In-Tube-ated? with a breathing tube) and had a catheter and dozens of tubes and antibiotics going into my body. At one point later that day I tried to do something with my hand, like itch my face or something. The nurse observed this and said to me, and here’s where my story has a point…”If we unstrap you, can you handle not pulling the tube out of your throat?” To which I thought ( i couldn’t speak yet!!)…”I’m strapped down? What the?”. I looked down at my wrists and saw that they were strapped with velcro bands to the bed. My feet as well. However, and listen carefully; I did not even know it until they asked if I wanted to be free from the bondage. Wow.
This gives me chills. I think of all the times in my life I have been in bondage, a captive to the sins of pride, selfishness, unforgiveness, addictive behaviors, not trusting God, making other people or jobs or friends idols that control my serenity more than God. This list is endless. I love God and try to serve him the best I can. But it is astounding how blindly I can live in captivity of behaviors or beliefs and not even notice that they are not from God and are keeping me in BONDAGE. I am strapped to a freakin’ hospital bed and don’t even know it! Look at your hands friends. Don’t miss the obvious because you aren’t looking down at your hands and feet or because you are distracting yourself with all the other tubes and medicines. Find out if you are strapped down. How did you get there? What do you need to do-who can you ask ( I suggest God) to release you? I love how Beth Moore puts it- “Satan came to make the FREE CAPTIVE. Jesus came to set the CAPTIVE FREE!”
Some verses that helped me see the significance of this are from Isaiah 30 and 42:
because you have rejected this message ( of how GOD wants us to rely only on him), relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall, cracked and bulging, that collapses suddenly, in an instant. It will break in pieces like pottery, shattered so mercilessly that among its pieces not a fragment will be found for taking coals from a hearth or scooping wather out of a cistern…..
In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength,..You will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, he will answer you.
I Will take hold of your hand…I will open the eyes of the blind, free the captives from prison and release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness (and are strapped to their beds.)
A prayer from Recovery that I pray everyday ( and then fumble my way through applying it):
God, I give myself to you to build with me and do with me what you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I might better do your will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your power, your love and your way of life. May I do your will always. Amen