schizophrenic thoughts…

warning: this entry may be a bit schizophrenic. I had a bunch of random thoughts between my house and Simmons Cancer center this morning. It’s only 10 minutes away so you might be exhausted just knowing someone can have this many pontifications in such a short amount of time ( maybe that’s why Blake is exhausted a lot…).  So , my first thought was as i was leaving my house and surprised myself when I realized I hadn’t forgotten anything. Rare. My kids will tell you that I will turn around and go back home if I don’t have my coffee or my lipstick or my phone. i attribute today’s miracle to the fact that I am so focused on fighting leukemia that I am not thinking about much else, ever. In fact, if  it’s not life-threatening I feel anxious when  i do think about it ( meals, grades, jobs, etc.). Weird. My next thought was how grateful I am that I GET to be free, for a bit, from the thousands of pressures i put on myself (to be thinner, eat better, be more involved at church and school, paint my living room, etc.). Basically I feel grateful and BLESSED to have a disease that causes me to get to slow down and think about things I usually don’t give myself time or permission to ponder. That perspective can only come from  a God who is taking care of my heart. This triggered another thought. A few years ago we downsized by HALF. HALF. I basically got rid of HALF my stuff which is really hard to do. But, as usual, God had gone before me in this also. A couple of months before, a woman I had only met once suggested i read a book called “Seven: A mutiny against excess.” It changed my whole belief about STUFF. By the time I had to look for a new home, I kept thinking, “this is too big/much/extravagant.” For a couple of years I would drive around town, see a beautiful yard or house and literally feel sorry for the work it would take to live there ( maybe i am lazy or was just exhausted…).  My point is, I felt like God had prepared me to downsize and be happy about it. Not bitter, which could have easily happen. My last thought was that both of those circumstances remind me today that God is more concerned about giving me what I NEED than what I WANT.  There is a fine line as well as a huge gap between these two desires. It’s pretty easy to convince myself that I NEED something that really I just WANT very badly. The difference between wants and needs is hard to see, unless I am totally honest with myself ( also rare). Anyway-those are all my random thoughts. oh-and DON’T DO DRUGS. 🙂

7 thoughts on “schizophrenic thoughts…

  1. Love you sister. I am thankful for you and your “random thoughts.” God is so good to have gone before you (and me too). Thanks for sharing your heart and honesty with all of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Basically I feel grateful and BLESSED to have a disease that causes me to get to slow down and think about things I usually don’t give myself time or permission to ponder.” Wow! Thanks for this perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

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