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Waiting

I am a terrible Waiter. In college I attempted to wait tables as a job. Disasterous. I would either bug my table to death or forget about them entirely. By the end of the night I always seemed to owe money rather than make money. It was really not a good fit for my “giftedness.”

I am still a terrible “Waiter.” I hate waiting. It feels so unproductive and, well, lazy. The old adage, “don’t just sit there. Do something!”  has been wisely challenged in my recovery brain: “Don’t just DO something. Sit there!.. Sometimes activity makes me feel like I have some say. Some control. We wait for many things: we wait for test results, for healing, for recovery, for a family, for the right person to come along, for the wrong person to leave, for people to change, for us to change, for someone to get sober, for the time we will see our loved ones who died and left us here. I wait for my next hospital stay, for my hair to grow back,  to start selling houses again, to exercise like a normal person, for the news about whether I need more chemo or a transplant. I wait to get sick, I wait to recover, to see if i can go in public or have to stay home or need to get a blood transfusion. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Eddie Lowen, tha pastor at Westside talked about this Sunday. I like his honest re-interpretation of Psalm 40:1…I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He said that for him it would say something more like, “I waited IMPATIENTLY for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my WHINING.” That sounds about right for me too. I often plead, “how long, oh Lord? How long must I wait for….?”

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I had this thought regarding waiting: There’s a big difference between waiting FOR and waiting ON. It occurred to me that waiting ON is what you do while you are waiting FOR. Waiting ON is about serving others. Waiting FOR is about ME getting what I want when I want it. Waiting ON is a wonderful way to get outside our own plans, desires and wishes and focus on GOD’s plans, desires and wishes. Waiting ON means that even though I have Leukemia, I can still send a note to a friend who is struggling, visit someone in the hospital, or set up coffee with someone who I know is hurting. This makes the waiting FOR time a sweet time. A “get to” rather than a “have to”. I think I might have more to say on waiting but for now, I need to get dressed to head to my bone marrow biopsy. I only GET TO wait 45 more minutes. 🙂

7 thoughts on “Waiting”

  1. Thinking of you Heather as I read this amazing little book by Margaret Feinberg titled Fight Back With Joy…. and her journey. So hoping at some point you will put all your writings into a devotional and or book to share with the world. Praying all goes well today. Love, the Kenny’s

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful Heather! God gave me the scripture Psalm 40 as a promise years ago. He promised that He would pull me out of the mud and mire and set my feet on solid rock and put a new song in my mouth. It’s a pretty amazing and long story but in essence I had a dream where me and my Christian friends were in a spiritual battle, literally fighting demons. I went into this battle fully confident of winning, but as the battle went on I realized that I was ill prepared and struggled to barely survive. When it was all over I looked around me and saw that only some of us were still standing. To my horror many of my friends had fallen. I was devastated and confused and looked up to Heaven when all of the sudden I saw a flowing river of mud and then I realized that I was in the muddy, strong flowing river and then I was actually part of the river. In my mind I realized that this river represented my sinful nature and I felt overwhelmed and helpless and I cried out to God and then woke up. This dream was so vivid and disturbing so I asked God to show me what it meant. Later that evening I went to a Christian woman’s event on the program Psalm 40 was printed, I opened my Bible and read the words. I had never seen this scripture before and I was blown away. I then listened to a message in which the speaker talked about God’s grace and had woven into her talk reference to Psalm 40. After the dinner I purchased a book from the speaker. I sat down and randomly opened it somewhere in the middle and there was the scripture PSALM 40 staring at me! As the grand finale of my night I was served mud pie for dessert! God has a great sense of humor! So I got it, even though I am hopelessly a sinner, (I know that it’s hard to believe) God WILL pull me up out of the pit and give me a new song to sing! I often still feel muddy, but thanks be to God that He sees the end result and is constantly working on this little pig.
    Thanks for being so open and honest about your journey and also of reminding me of my story. I’m praying for you always.
    Love, Denise

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  3. Yes,
    this is so universal, waiting, we can all relate to it. I’ve heard this time called, “In the Meanwhile”, as well. You nailed it though with Waiting on God rather than Waiting for God. I also associate that with Trusting In God as well. Thank you Heather, as I wait for my husband to come home from a long day of surgery. Nothing new after 31 years, but I still don’t wait very well either. Maybe I should have a piece of mud pie while I’m waiting!

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  4. I so love your thoughts, they are so helpful, you are a wordsmith! My Grandma always said everything always happens for a reason…I was feeling depressed the last 2 months, then you came along with your strength in your thoughts, spilling out like a fountain all hours of the day and night…at a time when your body was at its weakest….thank God, he sent Heather into my life, you are a precious gift to so many!! May God bless with healing and renewed health…soon!! Luv, Karen

    Liked by 1 person

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