I think I might be dehydrated. I realized that I had only had about one glass of water in two days. I had some soda, lots of coffee, tea and cranberry juice, even though I was really thirsty for water. But, as a result of Chemo or medications, water taste bad. And the fact that water has a “taste” at all seems, well, also bad. But now I don’t feel very perky because you really do need to drink more water than that. God forbid I drink something that doesn’t delight my taste buds but is imperative to good health. This reminds me of when I was in the hospital. It’s actually a pretty funny story. My dear Oncologist friend, Dr. Agamah, would come by and see me almost every day, even though he wasn’t my specific oncologist. I think God brought him around to “gently kick my butt” when it came to eating and exercising. From the day I got to the hospital until the day I left the last round of chemo he would stop by and EVERY TIME he would tell me to EAT my food and get out of bed and get some exercise if I wanted to go home. Before I left the hospital the first time ( after being there 33 days and in ICU for a week of that), I had been eating real food for about 2 days. The feeding bag I had been on was gone and I was free to eat whatever sounded good to me. Well, lots of things SOUNDED good but nothing TASTED good. One morning I had ordered cream of wheat ( because it was the blandest food I could think of and how bad could the worst cream of wheat taste compared with the best?) and some toast. I got about 3 bites into my meal and gave up. It tasted terrible. Because I couldn’t walk on my own yet, I hurled myself from chair onto my hospital bed and laid pathetically on the end of it like a cat curled up in a ball. Pouting. Next thing I know, Dr. Agamah is standing at my door ( a little perplexed, I think). He glanced at my tray and asked If I was eating. I told him proudly, “yes I was but it tasted terrible so i quit.” He stood there a minute and then nicely but firmly said, “well…, that’s when you close your eyes…and EAT IT ANYWAY, if you want to go home.” I am not really sure what closing my eyes has to do with anything, but I got the point: IT DOESN’T MATTER MUCH IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT. IF IT’S WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU-DO IT ANYWAY.
I am very spoiled. Maybe you can relate. If it isn’t fun and doesn’t feel good, I don’t want to do it. That’s it in a nutshell. It’s not FUN to exercise, eat healthy, drink water that taste like medicine or food that taste like a bag of chemo. But who am I kidding? This problem didn’t start when I got Leukemia. I have always been this way. If I don’t FEEL like it ( translate: it’s not fun or just plain hard) I don’t want to do it. I have to do battle with my body and mind to make the choice that I know is best for me. This is also about doing the RIGHT thing at the RIGHT time for the RIGHT reasons. Even when you are not in the mood. None of these decisions or choices are easy to do, so we choose to only “eat what taste good and lay in our hospital bed rather than go for a walk.” What is it that you aren’t loving yourself enough to do for yourself in order to “go home” or get well?
I want to close with my Oswald Chambers reading for the day. It’s a 1920’s version of Dr. Agamah’s “kick you in the butt” lecture:
“There are certain things we must not pray about-moods, for instance. Moods never go by praying, moods go by kicking. A mood nearly always has its seat in the physical condition, not in the moral. It is a continual effort not to listen to the moods which arise from physical condition, never submit to them for a second. We have to take ourselves by the scruff of the neck and shake ourselves, and we will find that we can do what we said we could not. The curse with most of us is that we WON’T. The christian life is one of incarnate spiritual pluck.”
“Close your eyes and DO IT ANYWAY.” -Edam Egamah