“Oops…I did it again..” (picture Brittany Spears)

As usual, my own “big ideas”  have been trumped by God’s plan for today’s entry. Coming soon, “Confessions of a Stir-Crazy Neutropenic”.  So, here’s what I have to say, I NEED to say today: “Oops…I did it again.”Here’s why:

Some of you may have read my “insightful” entry from yesterday which entailed a lot of moaning and whining about my “condition.” The original title for the entry was actually  “UPDATE” but after re-reading it, I decided to rename it “WHINING”. I did this, I realized today, because I wanted YA’LL to know that i REALIZED I was whining. And not only did I attempts to control what you think of me in THAT way, picture me an hour later hovering over the keyboard, fully prepared to delete the entry entirely.  I mean, My blogs should be inspiring,  right? How selfish of me to post something that might worry or depress you. Plus, why would anyone want to read another thing I write if I am such a negative, whiney woman who complains about her poor little problems?  I believe SOMEONE wrote a blog recently convicting me of this very defect of character (oh wait, that WAS me): VULNERABILITY OR LACK THEREOF. I want you to think certain things about me. Those “certain things” do not include telling you that I am frustrated or grouchy or questioning “why me?”.  Hold on, let me check how long I managed to embrace my vulnerability…

OHMYGOSH…5 WHOLE DAYS!?!?!  I just checked my entry on VULNERABILITY (See: Wonder Woman And the “Old Normal”). It was May 18th. Wow. That makes me giggle, actually. That’s as long as I can embrace my vulnerability in one stretch, apparently. “Oops…I did it again…”  I tried to manipulate your thinking so you would have the kinds of thoughts about me that I want you to. I let my EGO get the better of me. I will say, that as I was poised to delete yesterday’s entry, I could hear a voice in my head causing me to stop. It sounded a little bit like  my husband saying, “if you want to have REAL relationship, you are going to have to let them see/know the REAL you”  (WhatEVER) .It also sounded a little bit like God reminding me that only HE knows for sure what other people need. Who am I to decide this for them? When I present my real, messy, broken, crazy self, sometimes THAT’S what they need to hear. That’s what GOD needs them to hear. So, while it makes my skin crawl, I am going to leave that post where it is. I’ll let GOD decide what He’s going to do with it (isn’t it nice of me to let God do HIS job 🙂 ).