Well, it seems I am going to be “forced” to trust God for 3 whole months. Yesterday I met with my Oncologist who told me no more bloodwork and he will see me in 3 months. So, let me get this straight. I have been getting bloodwork done (which means knowing my number white blood cells, red blood cells, neutrophils and platelets-for those of you who care) every 3 days (and sometimes every day when I am in the hospital) for the past 5 months, and NOW you are telling me to just go about my life as “normal”, trusting that those numbers are all good? For 3 whole months? That seems preposterous…
You see, there is something comforting in always knowing where I stand with my body. If I am “safe” for myself and others. The regular bloodwork gives me that security. My peace of mind is dependent on knowing those numbers. Now I have to just blindly trust that those numbers will remain consistent and “safe” for 3 months. I don’t like that. I LIKE that daily confirmation that things are OK (even though there are a dozen other things in my life that could go wrong…). One of the most encouraging things for me during my little bout with Leukemia was that a friend of mine has texted me some sort of “greeting” almost EVERY SINGLE DAY since February 6th. And you should know that coolest part of receiving these texts DAILY, is that her name just happens to be Mary DAILY. I need that “daily dose of Daily”, just like I need my bloodwork numbers. I have got to learn that just as I trust that my other friends love and care for me even though they do not text me DAILY, I can trust God to take care of me even though I have to live with radio silence for 3 months regarding my blood counts.
The reality is, that God’s not going on vacation for the next 3 months. He is ever-present. And His words, His care, His comfort, His guidance and His wisdom are available to me DAILY as I read and pray and meditate and listen and cry out and even yell at Him. His evidences of His consistent care for me are all around in nature, in the love of friends and the love of strangers, in the quiet whispers in my heart that only He and I can hear. Trusting GOD is not the same as trusting that THINGS will be OK. Trusting GOD means trusting that even if and when THINGS are NOT OK, that I will be OK. That He’s not going anywhere and He has me in the palm of His hand. Luckily, at least regarding Leukemia updates, He knows that I am an amateur and I can only handle 3 months at a time. 🙂
It is in trust and vulnerability that we are safest—Paul says in Philippians that Jesus himself, “did not consider equality with God something to be grasped or exploited, but . . . .” [look up the rest] Compare the rascal who started this all and infected us all, Adam, who clearly did “consider equality with God something to be grasped or exploited,” and see what it got him—and us! You, dear, are learning a lesson the rest of us would pay heavily for if we knew what was really going on and what we were getting out of it! But, spare me Lord, but . . . more importantly help me to trust–no matter what.
Heather, I really, really appreciate your insights and expressions of them in your writing!
Heather,
Just remember to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” After my own cancer experience, that is something I do every day and in everything to the best of my ability. The devil tries to shake me up with fear, but so far, I’ve been able to keep him at bay by remembering and obeying those verses. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Pulling for you always.
Blessings, love, and prayers…
Joyce
Heather, you never cease to amaze me by your encouraging words, which help others in so many ways, even while you are going through the unthinkable. I believe that you will continue to improve and your story will offer hope for millions, via your writing. Prayers for you and your family are sent regularly.