The other morning I was working on some Real Estate stuff on the computer while my son was watching basketball. I felt compelled to share with him my excitement about my job. I said, “I know you probably don’t really care, but I just have to say that I love my job! Sometimes I even feel guilty about doing it because I enjoy it so much…then I remember that this isn’t a hobby, it’s an actual job and this is what I am supposed to be doing right now! What a gift!”. He continued to watch basketball, he was somewhat unimpressed but gave me a slight nod to let me know he had heard me talking. That was Sunday. Monday night I was driving home from several showings, stressed because I was going out of town the next day and was feeling discouraged, overwhelmed and questioning whether or not I could continue this pace. Just to clarify, nothing had changed in my work circumstances (except, maybe, that my results where not coming as easily or quickly as I wanted them to) since my joyful declaration the day before. But here is what had changed; my perspective. My attitude. My level of trust in God’s plan and His timing. I went from believing anything was possible to fearing that success was impossible and doubting my abilities at every level. I felt short-tempered and emotional and stressed in every way (and no, it’s not just because I am a 45 year old woman…). I chose to be short sighted and to see things through my limited human perspective.
One wonderful concept I have learned from going to Recovery Groups, is truth that “I am part of the problem.” At first that made me mad and did not sound like good news at all. But, in fact, it is. Because if I am not part of the problem then there is no solution. If I have to rely on you or my circumstances to change in order for me to be OK, I will never be well. If I am part of the problem, my thinking and my attitudes and my reactions, then that gives me a fighting chance to solve it. Because I am the only thing I can really do anything about. I am the one I need to ask God to help instead of begging him to change the people I live with or work with or parent. There are people in this world whose circumstances are horrific-in this country and in others. we all know of these people. Yet, somehow, they manage to approach life with a sweetness, a sense of peace and gratitude that makes us stand in awe. I have had days when I was that person. When I had cancer, I had months like that. But I have to admit, that it takes a ton of intentional asking from a God who can help me see life with His eyes and live with a confident trust that His timing is perfect in all things. If I get sidetracked, trying to figure my life out for myself or work depending on my own power or lack there-of, I end up a frazzled, anxious, grouchy, cynical person. When I depend on common sense solutions or lose hope when I can’t visualize the outcome that I desire, I am trying to do God’s job for Him.
I mostly wrote this morning because, even though I am supposed to be on “vacation”, my mind will not let me rest. The sun woke me and my mind took off running, trying to fix, manage and control many many things in my head…from my bed. The verse from Colossians 3:23 has been coming to my mind. “Whatever your hands find to do, work at it with your whole being…”. I have never really thought of it like this before, but I felt like this was one more way God was telling me to “keep my head with my hands.” I can’t do anything with my WHOLE BEING if HALF of my being is focused somewhere else. Stay in the moment. Be present where you are. I don’t have to wait for my circumstances to change to rest, to be grateful, to love, to show affection, to serve. I have to change my attitude. I have to let God change my heart toward the problem. I am part of that problem and God has a solution that involves Him and Me alone. What a relief.