I considered entitling this entry “I’m Still Sick.” Then I reconsidered. Didn’t want anyone to panic. No, I don’t still have Leukemia, at least that I’m aware of. But hang with me for a couple minutes and I’ll explain…
My two youngest kids were visiting Grandparents on the West Coast for the past few weeks. My husband and I and our college-age son were “home alone”. With all my free time, I made big plans to write and read and redecorate and sell lots of houses. I did a few of those things, but the one I didn’t do, at all, was write. I had plenty of time. That excuse wouldn’t work. In fact, I went so long without a blog entry that I considered the possibility that maybe my writing days were over. I told myself I had nothing worthwhile to say. I was experiencing doubts and distractions and discouragement in almost every area of life that mattered to me. What could I possibly share that wouldn’t be hypocritical? So I just stopped writing. I wasn’t qualified.
But then, God gently reminded me that I started writing these blogs when I was sick with Leukemia. I was qualified to share my heart and perspective on how it was affecting me and those around me. And this is the part where I remind myself that I am still “sick”. Whether I am sick with a physical disease or a spiritual disease-it all counts. Life is hard. It can be painful. It can even be so emotionally draining that one longs for Leukemia again just to distract from the suffering. Now THAT’S messed up!
Maybe that’s my point-this blog started when I was pretty messed up. The good and bad news is that I am still messed up. I write because it helps me remember that depending on God for my serenity and sanity is a minute by minute activity. I am sick with some pretty ugly character defects and sinful tendencies, and, unlike Leukemia, I will never be declared “cured” from them. But because of God’s grace, I know I have been made clean in His eyes. How I look in other people’s eyes is different though. My hope is that you can read what I say and feel the assurance that maybe you’re not alone on this ride. Maybe together we can lift each other up and cheer each other on and tend to each other’s wounds. If the reason I write is to share my mistakes and failures and doubts and flaws so that together we can manage this life with compassion and acceptance and without judgment-then guess what? I will never run out of material. I think I am more than qualified.