I am not positive that at the end of this entry, I will actually post it for anyone else to read. I just need to get some things out of my head. FIrst, I have to admit that I have done it again-believed the lie that plagues me: “Unless I am currently living in peace, love, forgiveness, joy and hope, I have no right to write”. Who really wants to hear from someone who is battling fear and resentment and doubt? I guess that’s not really a question for me to answer. My job is just to put it out there. If nothing else, it might help me.
I am completely out of control. And I mean that literally. Not the “running wild” out of control, just fresh out of any ability to control (as if I ever had it in the first place). I probably don’t need to say much more than just state the fact that I have a 20 year old college student who lives in California, a 16 year old who just got his license and a 15 year old daughter getting ready to start public high school. And one husband. When my kids were little, I fooled myself into believing that how I was raising them and steering them would produce certain results and that I was responsible for the outcome. Silly me. You see this silliness when “perfect parenting” results in rebellious teens and absent or abusive parenting produces Olympic athletes or Valedictorians. This reminds me that I can only do so much. It reminds me that God doesn’t have grandchildren, He has Children. I am His child and my kids are His children. Not once removed. A direct link to God and His specific plan for them.
If I have so little control over my immediate family, why do I live with anxiety and fear because I feel unable to control every other part of my world. I am a Real Estate Agent. When I am living in trust and faith that God is in control, that He sees my circumstances and that He has a good plan, I can drive around town like a normal person. But when I get to thinking that I am in charge of other people’s decisions to buy or sell houses, every single “For Sale” sign I see causes me to doubt myself and dare I say, feel the tiniest bit jealous or resentful that my name is not on that sign. This fear is an indication that I think I know better than God what should be happening in my business.
Let’s see-we have covered kids, spouses, jobs…what else is plaguing me? Oh yes-money. Yep, I admit it, I fret about this. As I said, I have a kid in college and two boys on our insurance plan. And expenses just keep coming. This triggers me worrying about my kids having jobs (trying to control them) and if I will sell enough houses (trying to control the entire Real Estate market) and how long we can continue to pay for everything (trying to control my financial security).
This is just the superficial stuff. I haven’t even touched on how badly I want control of everyone’s moral and spiritual choices. How I want to be able to produce character and responsible behavior in my kids.
I go to a Recovery Program for family or friends of those who have been effected by the disease of alcoholism. But, we work the same twelve steps as the alcoholics. Why? Because, as you have witnessed above, we all have our own “isms” that interfere with our chances of living in freedom and joy. My “ism” is “control-ism”. So I have to start with the first step and insert my “ism”: “We admitted we were powerless over people, places and things-that out lives had become unmanageable.” I read in one of my readings today, specifically on control, that “trying to be in control is an effective method of keeping loved ones at a distance.” It sure is. My family doesn’t want to engage with me when I am in control mode. It alienates. It robs them of their dignity. It does the exact opposite of what I am intending to do.
Fear. Anxiety. Worry. Those are the feelings I live with when I believe the lie that I have power over people, places or things. I hate feeling this way. My only solution is to turn “my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.” To have faith that He is the only one in control and He knows better than I do what is best for everyone I love.
“Why are you fearful, oh ye of little faith?” Matthew 7:26
(thanks for listening😉)