“Lord-help me! I feel many things today, which i guess is better than feeling nothing. Not sure. But looking at my list of emotions, I feel: dreading, fearful, anxious, worried, insecure, rejected, distrusting, suspicious, disturbed, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, hurt, lonely, defeated, bored, exhausted, depressed, sad, disappointed, disappointing, irritated, envious, preoccupied, weary, restless, frustrated, annoyed. That’s a pretty big list for someone who struggles identifying her feelings or has a propensity for feeling nothing at all. What’s going on in me?”
…And those are just the ones from a list I found on the internet.
I also feel aimless. Useless. Insignificant (those ones came from my own list in my head). Like I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. Real estate is my job and I love it, but I know that doesn’t define me. I long to write but I get scared of writing just like I get scared in Real Estate. FEAR-living in the future and all the “what-ifs” can paralyze me in the present. I fear and question whether I will run out of clients or houses and make ends meet, the same way I fear and question whether I will run out of things to write about. Neither of those things can I do much about except live day by day, trusting God for the results. I can try to write and make sure my heart and mind are in the right place, but I can’t force the right words or message to come. I can’t produce a buyer or a seller, I can only put my self in a position to be available and share my business with others. I see a pretty strong pattern of mistrust of God’s plan and God’s timing as well as a default setting of trying to control and manage the outcome of my actions. It makes me crazy that A+B does not always equal C. Just because I do my part does not guarantee that the outcome I want will manifest itself.
I also have an inkling that some of my emotions have to do with being self-absorbed and selfish. Most of the time I spend is on me and my stuff-my family, my house, my job (which is laughable in and of itself since none of it is ultimately MINE). It’s one thing to shoot off an encouraging text to a friend or someone hurting, but setting up time to sit with them and hear their pain or celebrate with them requires self-sacrifice. To spend my time serving someone else, just because it’s the good and helpful thing to do, is not something I do regularly. Most days, I get up and do only what I want to do. None of these things are bad, really: Exercising, cleaning, reading, working, attending a meeting. But they all have one focus-ME. My agenda runs the show.
So-I don’t know if this is the solution or not-the thing to do to alleviate the oppression of all these emotions. They are quite heavy. Making it hard to put one foot in front of the other. But maybe-just maybe-it is a good place to start. Get outside myself. Remind myself that the daily activities are just a means to an end. God has put us all here to be His messengers of love, compassion, grace and hope. Everything else I do is just an avenue to this destination. Francis Chan talks about living at “the pace of love”. That’s hard to do when I have my own agenda driving the bus.
In a nutshell: Pray for and serve others. Give my literal time to others. Notice others as I go through my daily routine. Hold that routine loosely. Trust that God’s timing and God’s plan are perfect. Relax. Live in gratitude for the good I have and the bad I don’t have. If I can manage to do even a few of those, maybe I can get relief from, and possibly even root out, most of these 24 emotions that have hijacked me this morning.