“Lord-help me! I feel many things today, which I guess is better than feeling nothing. Not sure. But looking at my list of emotions, I feel: dreading, fearful, anxious, worried, insecure, rejected, distrusting, suspicious, disturbed, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, hurt, lonely, defeated, bored, exhausted, depressed, sad, disappointed, disappointing, irritated, envious, preoccupied, weary, restless, frustrated, annoyed. That’s a pretty big list for someone who struggles identifying her feelings or has a propensity for feeling nothing at all. What’s going on in me?”
…And those are just the ones from a list I found on the internet.
I also feel aimless. Useless. Insignificant (those ones came from my own list in my head). Like I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. Real estate is my job and I love it, but I know that doesn’t define me. I long to write but I get scared of writing just like I get scared in Real Estate.
FEAR—living in the future and all the “what-ifs” can paralyze me in the present. I fear and question whether I will run out of clients or houses and make ends meet, the same way I fear and question whether I will run out of things to write about. Neither of those things can I do much about except live day by day, trusting God for the results.
I can try to write and make sure my heart and mind are in the right place, but I can’t force the right words or message to come. I can’t produce a buyer or a seller, I can only put my self in a position to be available and share my business with others. I see a pretty strong pattern of mistrust of God’s plan and God’s timing as well as a default setting of trying to control and manage the outcome of my actions. It makes me crazy that A+B does not always equal C.
Just because I do my part does not guarantee that the outcome that I want will manifest itself.
I also have an inkling that some of my emotions have to do with being self-absorbed and selfish. Most of the time I spend is on me and my stuff: my family, my house, my job (which is laughable in and of itself since none of it is ultimately MINE). It’s one thing to shoot off an encouraging text to a friend or someone hurting, but setting up time to sit with them and hear their pain or celebrate with them requires self-sacrifice. To spend my time serving someone else, just because it’s the good and helpful thing to do, is not something I do regularly. Most days, I get up and do only what I want to do. None of these things are bad, really: exercising, cleaning, reading, working, attending a meeting. But they all have one focus-ME. My agenda runs the show.
So—I don’t know if this is the solution or not—the thing to do to alleviate the oppression of all these emotions. They are quite heavy—making it hard to put one foot in front of the other. But maybe, just maybe, it is a good place to start. Get outside myself. Remind myself that the daily activities are just a means to an end. God has put us all here to be His messengers of love, compassion, grace and hope. Everything else I do is just an avenue to this destination. Francis Chan talks about living at “the pace of love”. That’s hard to do when I have my own agenda driving the bus.
In a nutshell: Pray for and serve others. Give my literal time to others. Notice others as I go through my daily routine. Hold that routine loosely. Trust that God’s timing and God’s plan are perfect. Relax. Live in gratitude for the good I have and the bad I don’t have.
If I can manage to do even a few of those, maybe I can get relief from, and possibly even root out, most of these 24 emotions that have hijacked me this morning.