I am terrible at taking Selfies. Just ask my teenage daughter. She has it mastered, like most teenagers. But I struggle, people. I struggle. I never know where to look. That’s the first problem: At the screen, so I can see how I look or at that little hole so I don’t look cross-eyed? Then there’s the angle. If I take it from below I look like Jabba The Hut; triple chins. I have to admire people who regularly update their Selfie profile pics on social media or send them off to friends. Most of my Selfies are deleted promptly so they cannot be used against me in any way! However, I will say this; my previous business card and the profile pic for my blog are both SELFIES! It wasn’t easy. I had to wander around my yard and my living room, posing like a weirdo, for quite some time. I had to practice by taking dozens and dozens of shots before I took one that looked like “me.” I didn’t want a glamour shot or a plastic, forced smile. I wanted to look like myself. And who better to capture Myself than, well, Myself?
Today I have been asking God to help me get clarity on my writing and to lead me to a new name for my Blog. Since God and Heather have already “kick(ed)leukemiainthebutt”, I figured it’s time to move on and call it what it is. But what is it? After asking and listening, I felt like God told me a couple things about what He gives me to write. In a nutshell, It’s a type of Selfie. A “Soul-Selfie”. Even though I tend to talk a lot about cancer, addiction, recovery, faith, etc., there is one theme that presents itself in every single entry: ME. My Soul. I write about what I observe, struggle with, screw up, celebrate, and grieve. I talk about what I believe in with all my heart, what I wish I could believe, and what I am completely confounded and confused by. I touch on territory in my soul that I have come to find out also exists in yours. Who knew?!?! I LOVE when I hear from someone who identifies with my craziness. I considered renaming it “YouToo?MeToo”. Because that’s the beauty of it. We are not alone in our hurt, our failures, our passions and our longing to be better than we are today. We’re not the only ones. What a relief.
When talking with my sister-in-law a few months ago, she said, “it’s like God used cancer to root out a cancer in you that has nothing to do with cancer”. Oooohhh, that’s good (she’s much more deep and well-spoken than me). Yep. God went to town on my soul. And unfortunately, or fortunately, I think He’s got His work cut out for Him. I don’t see an end in sight, but I do see progress. And honestly, that’s probably the most one can hope for (And I have a whole blog coming up soon on the truth of that statement!). Why do I need to take a Soul-Selfie? Because I have wasted way too much time looking outward. Taking pictures of other people’s behavior and either judging it or trying to imitate it. Cancer and writing have been my cues to tap on that little icon on my “I”-phone Camera and flip the focus back to me. Instead of focusing on you, I have to look at me. So, thank you for tuning in when I write. It’s very humbling. But the best part of it is that I now know that even though we need to mind our own dang business (that’s a bossy way to encourage us to keep an eye or our own souls and let God tend to them as He sees fit), we can do it together. As I take my Soul-Selfies and share them with you, maybe we can “trudge this happy road to destiny” knowing that we are not alone. You Too? Me too.