I am a spontaneous person. That is sometimes good. Sometimes not so good. When I write, it is a little of both. As a general rule, I sit on my couch in the morning, praying and reading and listening to what God is directing me to write about. It is usually more than obvious. Once in awhile I have ideas as I am going through the rest of my day. I have a notebook that I grab and jot down the basics and save it for a future date. Then, when I experience that topic in some way, I go to my notes, pull it up and expand on it. Today is one of those days. My notes were written down awhile ago, but yesterday, a conversation with a friend brought it to my mind so I feel like the time has come to put it on “paper”. I am pretty sure it’s just a coincidence that most of the topics I have “saved for a later date” are ones that involve embarrassing stories about how I think or what I have said or done in the past…
It will come as no surprise to you that I struggle on occasion with resentments and forgiveness. I may have mentioned it once or twice in previous blogs. But about a month ago, I discovered a special, new kind of resentment. I have even coined a name for it: Turbo Resentment. Let me tell you about how I realized I harbored a couple of them.
I am a realtor, so I was driving through a small town showing houses. There happen to be a few people from this town who I have felt especially hurt and betrayed by. I have done quite a bit of work to forgive them and release my anger regarding the events that happened. I truly thought I was doing ok with this. I hadn’t thought about any of it for a long time, until I drove through their town. Near their houses. Past places we used to go together. It all came flooding in and I had this very rational thought: “I hate this town.” Yep. The whole town. I pray you don’t live there. I was ready to write off the whole community based on the pain I felt just driving through it. I called my husband, because even though I felt wound up, I also found it semi-comical that was holding onto to so much unforgiveness that I was incorporating an entire town in the offenses. I told him about how I was feeling and that I was aware it was pretty messed up. And then, I saw the car. There is a certain car that one of those offenders drives that when I see one, I think, “I truly hate red Hyundais” (that’s actually the kind of car I drive-the name of the actual car has been changed for obvious reasons). I called my husband back and told him that by the way, I also hate this type of car. He told me that I may have a problem. I concur.
These are a couple examples of Turbo Resentments. Do you have any of your own, or am I the only weirdo out there? Have you ever avoided a restaurant because that’s where so-and-so works or where you used to go together before they hurt you? So much of what we experience is wound up in other people. Either good memories or bad ones can be connected to everyday objects, sounds or smells (see blog on “Smells ring bells”). Do you feel angry when you hear that certain song, reminding you of how a relationship that was significant ended in betrayal? Do you hate a particular cologne or perfume because a friend who became your enemy wore it? Do you transfer your disgust to perfect strangers when they exhibit the same character defects as your ex?
Our strong and usually unreasonable reaction to neutral people, places and things is a sign that we might not be as “free” as we thought we were. Maybe we only think we have forgiven because we aren’t in regular contact with them. We think we are fine until we start sweating and feel our heart rate rise when we are triggered by something random that takes us back to the source of the pain. We realize there are clearly remnants, the sludge of the grudge, lurking in our hearts. Even though you, and I, don’t recognize on a regular basis, it effects our serenity. Our ability to be free. To move forward in peace with ourselves and with others.
I have said this before but it bears repeating, “forgiveness is no favor. We do it for no one but ourselves.” If we want to be free of bitterness and underlying anger, we have to forgive fully.
Root it all out. I truly believe that it is not an option to hate people. It is a complete anti-god state of mind. I never allow my kids to say hate about anyone. I barely let them say it about food or the like. That’s how much I hate the word hate. But, somehow I have let myself off the hook about hating towns and cars. That somehow seems acceptable. But let’s face it, we all know it’s just a cover up for hating the actual people. It’s just not OK with me to hate people, so I hate where they live and what they drive instead. Somehow, I don’t think God sees them as all that different, and my heart still suffers from the same angst.
Living with resentments is hard enough. Harmful enough. Detrimental enough. But if you aren’t feeling the freedom that comes with forgiving those you feel hurt by, maybe you are nursing some Turbo Resentments. Take a look at that today. Maybe it’s never occurred to you that you are still in bondage them.
Don’t hate me (or my city or my car) for bringing this to your attention 😉