I’ve been stalling. Since Nine O’clock this morning I have been stalling. I know I want to write something but for lots of reasons that you don’t need to know, I keep coming up with other “‘necessary and spiritual” things that require my attention. I almost always write first thing in the morning, mainly because by the time I hit 3:00 PM on most days, I’ve ceased caring about doing anything productive or addressing anything that might hurt my brain. Nevertheless, here I sit in my writing spot on my blue couch, feet perched on my coffee-stained table, thinking out loud on paper so I can get a grasp on some of my recent hauntings.
I have a couple things on my mind, but today a new special something has cropped up. Might as well share it, since those other hauntings will no doubt hover around until I reason them out with you another fine day. Here’s how this blog came about…
I have recently determined to follow through with connecting with a few women who I would like to get to know a bit better. They seem like people I could laugh with, learn from and maybe even encourage if God chooses to use me in that way. I reached out to them and set up times to get together. I met with one of them today. A morning meeting lasted until this afternoon and my heart is so full. When I write, one of my main goals (aside from unloading and unpacking all my craziness on paper for my own sanity) is to help those who read feel less alone. Less weird. Less defeated. Less hopeless, afraid that they will never change or grow or heal. Today, this woman did that for me. I came home refreshed and lighter and less of all the things I long to alleviate in you.
Not only did I come home with a new energy and hopeful spirit, I sat for a few minutes to reflect on the fact that had my life not been a virtual roller coaster of chaos and challenges that seemed to crash relentlessly for years, I may not have ever even met this woman. I may never have met you, or come to the kind of relationship we now have. I write and you read (can’t imagine why, other than I know first hand the gift of realizing you’re “not the only one) and we have a special bond. I can feel it. Even when just one of you comments, I know I am doing what God has prepped me to do. Without the messiness and grittiness of cancer and family addiction and upheaval of almost my entire social network in one fell shwoop, we would still be strangers or superficial acquaintances. All that stuff really sucked (Sorry mom! A Nicer-lady-like word doesn’t ￼really do it justice 😬 ) and at times I wished every bit of it would go away and my life would go back to “normal”. But God…He had other plans for me. For all of us.
During times when I feel self-pity calling me to curl up and isolate from all humans outside my house, I review a list I once made. A list of all the people I have met or reconnected with in a new way￼ since everything flipped upside down ￼8 years ago. There are at least 100 people on it. I could probably add more if I sat down today and reevaluated. My point is, without going through the stuff that I thought was ruining my life, I may have never met or enhanced my relationships with those of you who saved my life.
When I came home from my marathon get-to-know-ya meeting today, I picked up a book by Anne Lamott and read the final chapter before I put it back on its’ place on the shelf. I got to the bottom of the page and read, “she was diagnosed with Leukemia”. Lamott spent the rest of the chapter talking about her friend’s life and the memorial service that her friend actually attended, insisting she be present for the celebration before she died. After I cried like a baby for a minute or two, I smiled and prayed a grateful prayer for being allowed to live. I don’t know why I didn’t die. I know for sure it was not of my doing. Plenty of sweeter, kinder less needy, selfish and bossy people die all the time. That’s confusing to me but I am certainly not pointing this out to God just now.
February 6, 2020 will mark 5 years since my Leukemia Diagnosis. I am “all clear”, whatever that means. It’s an appropriate time to sit here, where I have sat about 1,000 times with books and IPad at my fingertips and say “thank you”. ‘Thank you” to God. ‘Thank you” to you. We go through what we go through so we can help others get through the same. God does not waste any of it. Remember that. Always remember that.