Gray days

Sometimes I get going so fast that I forget that the reason I started writing my blog in the first place was to not only update people on the status of my Leukemia but to help myself “reason things out” on paper. I had an overload of information and some life-altering circumstances going on at the time and was feeling overwhelmed. As I wrote, I could just feel the pressure valve release the tension and fear and confusion. Writing was a tool I used to replace all that junk in my head and heart with clarity and a patient serenity.

I have come to that place again. By the grace of God, it does not involve anything as earth-shattering as Leukemia, but a physical weight from the good and bad of the world and my little “world” has gotten ahold of me. I feel stuck. Tired. Overwhelmed. Aimless. Fearful. Doubting. Distracted. Restless. Anxious. Did I mention tired?

Being a productive person (to a fault), I hate to even admit that at this moment, at 10:45 am on a typical weekday, I am sitting on my couch in my sweats, just staring out my picture window. After a fairly long period of sitting here in a catatonic-like state, I finally remembered that writing—letting my thoughts rapid-fire onto the page through my fingers—has been proven to lighten my load (whether it is real or imaginary).

Why is that exactly?

Good question…more staring out the window and drooling a little…

One reason I think it helps is that it gets me outside of myself and breaks my isolation. I always say that there are dark places in my mind where it’s dangerous to venture alone. I have been venturing there for too long and have gotten myself wound up and spooked at every turn.

When I hash it out with you, I am bringing my imperfections and embarrassing lack of faith, hope and trust out into the open. Only there can it be exposed and lose its power to oppress me.

A couple of weeks ago I was with a group of people who were talking about isolation. At the time, I spoke about it in the past tense—a past-life problem. Today, I realize that maybe God was giving me a gentle nudge to examine my vulnerability level. Just being in the presence of others does not mean that I am being authentic and open with them.

The other reason I think it helps me is that when I share in the messy, before I have myself all “prettied up”, it tends to be a more powerful way to provide comfort and community with other readers who may be in the same boat. It just doesn’t have the same impact when I wait until I have identified 3 simple steps, applied them and come out the other side, healthy and happy.

I did it that way for years. Guess what? No one would have read a word of anything I wrote.

What I have learned through my cancer battle and other life challenges, is that people don’t care that I don’t have it all together yet and they like me better now that the cat’s out of the bag: I am consistently kind of a hot mess. They tend to feel like they are in good company.

So, I have come to realize that sometimes we just have periods of time, in spite of the fact that on the surface things are great, where we feel all the ways I described myself above. Often, during these times, there are fewer stressors than at other times in our lives when we seem to thrive.

Our souls are funny like that.

There’s a lot going on under the surface that gets loosened and uprooted when we least expect or want it to be. It’s important to reflect on this unrest in our spirits. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned or jobs God has for us to do.

But sometimes, we are unsettled for no particular reason and we just need to wait it out for a few days. It’s probably not necessary for one to write a blog about it either, because in a couple of days the gray may lift and this will all sound like a silly rant (which may well describe many of my blogs!).

For now, I will sit and pray and simply ask for God’s help. I’ll ask Him to show me if there is something I need to do or say to ease this heaviness, otherwise, give me the strength to keep walking/getting out of bed and the faith to trust that “this too shall pass.”