Life has been pretty chaotic for me the past few months. Some of the chaos was bad—like my son getting hit by a car and all that goes with that. Some of the chaos has been good—like Blake’s mom being here for a week and my mom here for a week shortly after that.
For me, chaos is simply anything out of my normal routine—good or bad. I am a unique creature. I need structure, otherwise I forget to do even the simplest things like take vitamins or feed my cat. However, I sort of hate structure because I am also a “free spirit” who enjoys flying by the seat of her pants. But I can only live like that for so long before my insides get so distracted by flitting from activity to activity or person to person, that I get emotionally out of whack and to be honest, a bit depressed.
One of the main struggles I have been having lately, is that the only emotions I can access are sadness, which comes on me when something triggers it, or pressure. I guess pressure isn’t exactly an emotion, but it’s definitely a real entity that I feel almost non-stop. I know that it is pressure I have put on myself to navigate, control and “figure-out” (the worst F word of all) any number of circumstances in my life. It’s also pressure to better manifest all the behaviors and attitudes I long to have define me as a woman of God. I feel a constant sense of failure in most areas.
I am not telling you these things to make you feel sorry for me or cause you to feel the need to affirm me. I also don’t want to scare you to death or wonder if you should call some type of hot-line.
One of the things I have been neglecting while striving to “make it happen” in all areas of my life, is writing my blogs. I typically write on Thursday mornings but have been out of my routine for so long, I often forget what day of the week it even is!
While I was doing some reading this morning from a beautiful Catholic App called presentationministries.com, it gave a word that Jesus would say to me through scripture. My suggested response (which on this particular day happened to be: SILENCE), and then prompted me to get on my knees before God.
So I did.
It did not take long, after accessing the sadness I mentioned above, to sense God putting His hand on my shoulder and saying something like: “Didn’t I give you the gift of writing to help you reason things out in your mind and then share those thoughts with others who might need to hear it too?…. Then why aren’t you writing?”
I have not written because I was too busy. Too sad. To discombobulated. Too depressed. Too discouraged. Too disappointed. Too fearful.
But those are exactly the reasons I need to write. I felt those feelings when I started writing; Back when I had Leukemia and had no answers.
I wrote my way into healing. Healing for me and healing for others, apparently.
Even if I write every day and don’t publish it, I believe it helps me unravel the tangles in my brain. It gives me clarity. It gives me hope. It gives me perspective and helps me kick my own butt for thinking just awful things about myself and sometimes others.
I have been waiting to get healthier in my head before I wrote another blog. I am realizing that it probably won’t happen in that order.
I need to practice what I preach at my Soul-Selfie Soirée events: Share while sick.
I can start today because my story always matters, even when it’s a desperate story of doubt and fear.
Because at the end of the day, the story doesn’t end there.
I always know where my help comes from. My hope comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and Earth.
I can already feel the knots in my body and soul starting to disintegrate…