I have been wearing a pretty deep rut in my mind for the past couple weeks. It came to a head this week and I found myself unable to relax at all. My spirit was wound up and fearful, causing me to feel frozen. Paralyzed.
Have you ever felt immobilized over your lack of control over a situation? Or over a potential outcome that your “magnificent magnifying mind” has gotten you lathered up into a dither over?
I don’t recall the exact moment my current state of mind and heart was triggered, but whatever it is in me that has reacted to, almost allergically, has been consuming me for longer than I am willing to admit.
I have been using the standard, go-to tools to deal with my obsession of the mind. I have been praying like crazy, surrendering it to God and asking Him to help me to view the people, places and things that are haunting me with His eyes.
It occurred to me last night, as I was lying in bed, asking again for God to help me release this thing to Him, that surrendering it is only half the battle.
Even though I was desperate to unload my burden, the heaviness of it weighing on my mind and heart, surrendering to something or someone requires relinquishing control and submitting to a higher power: An authority that would take me and my problems on themselves.
This is only good news and relieving if, and only if, I trust the One on the other side of the surrender. The One doing the receiving.
It’s a trust issue. Do I trust that God will indeed show up for me and help me navigate the thing if I take my grubby hands off?
Surrendering to God is not like war, where you surrender to the enemy and are then at the mercy of someone who has plans to make your life miserable and may just go ahead and declare, “off with her head!”
This challenges our, my, view of God. Clearly I have some trust issues with Him.
Sometimes I turn it over but cling to it so tightly that I might as well just have kept it. I love a phrase I heard once: “If I turn it over, but don’t let it go, I am upside down.”
Indeed.
This morning I was watching “The Chosen” (this helps me regain my perspective when my head gets wonky. Any episode with Jesus in it will do). Jesus is out healing people without stopping, while the disciples take little breaks to refresh themselves back at the base camp. At one point they are bickering over something and it gets heated. It appears that there is about to be a dusty brawl any moment as Peter and his brother Andrew puff up against James and John.
As they stand there at a face off, Jesus returns from his post, having trekked back alone, exhausted, panting from the days’ work.
He staggers past the disciples, glancing over and giving them a simple wave says, “Good night.”
Needless to say, they immediately hung their heads in shame, embarrassed by the pettiness of their argument in light of what Jesus had been doing all day.
They gained immediate perspective on what does and doesn’t matter in the scheme of things.
This scene helped put some of my fears and frustrations into perspective. If Jesus’s were to walk past my mind and “hear” the silly things I am ruminating on, would I be embarrassed? Horrified that I spent my time, energy and serenity on such non-kingdom topics?
And notice that in the above scenario, Jesus didn’t do the shaming. He just waved and said good night. He isn’t trying to shame us either. We do that to ourselves.
Shame is never part of God’s plan. But there’s nothing wrong with some healthy self-awareness, repentance or grief over having behaved like a brat, or gossiped about his children, or fretted more over our waistline than the state of lost and hurting people.
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Those three dots and unnumbered dashes above represent 6 days worth of time and troubles. This is the first time I can recall where I started a blog about a situation and in the middle of it, got pulled away by that exact distraction. I was just about to come to an insightful and impressive conclusion (I am pretty sure) when my phone range and I got sucked in to managing the issue of which I speak.
I actually didn’t have the option to ignore it. It was a time sensitive issue.
But, I will say, that as a result of having reasoned things out with you and God through the words above, I entered into it with a new perspective.
A refreshed spirit.
And a dependence on God to “work all things out for good” if I trust Him to do so.
I have learned over the years that the “things” He works out for good are inside me.
Not necessarily the “things” or circumstances around me.
So, because it has been a minute, or 8,646 minutes, since I started this post, I am going to wrap it up and send it off to you.
I have been saying all along that I am a work in progress and we are all “in this together. ” Every once in awhile I have to give you some rock solid evidence to prove it.
You’re welcome.
I will wrap this up by simply quoting Forrest Gump: “That’s all I have to say about that.”
