Before we get going, if it’s been a minute since you read my previous blog on resentments, kindly go back and prepare yourself for the “rest of the story” to come.
Ready?
OK.
They found it. The remnant. The teensy tiny bit of ovary left in my adorable cat, Cali , when she was spayed. It took the vet several hours to locate it, but it is gone.
And guess what? She is cured. No more moaning (unless she has caught her fake mouse and is trying to show off) or caterwauling.
We are so happy that we don’t have to give her away and our daughter will continue to speak to us . 🙃
But ever since then, an interesting and unexpected shift has occurred in her behavior.
As soon as she recovered from the surgery, she began to play with the pleasure of a kitten. She leapt and scurried and chased her own tail and wrestled her stuffed fish.
She reverted back to how she was when she wasn’t battling with the remnant that was wreaking havoc on her insides.
She looked the same, but acted, well, free.
She went back to being the “Cali” God made her to be. She seemed light-hearted. Joyful. Spirited. Frisky. Childlike. Happy. Undistracted.
It reminds me of Ephesians 4:31-32:
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
It’s ever so hard to be “kind and tenderhearted” when we harbor unforgiveness and judgment towards those who have harmed us.
I hope you took time to read (and maybe re-read) all my previous posts and my rantings and confessions on forgiveness and resentments. They might be good for you to keep handy for moments when you feel compelled to give in to the rage, the hurt, the injustice of it all.
Because, dear friend, letting go of the offense, down to the very last remnant, will do for you what it did for Cali. It will free you up to be who God made you to be: free.
I know this from experience.
I remember all to well what it was like to live with the weight of hate and anger. I remember how heavy I felt when I carried around that backpack filled with a litany of grievances.
I don’t do it perfectly and I occasionally have to root out a stray remnant, but I can honestly say that I do not live with that heaviness any longer.
Most days I choose to let it go.
It’s not usually a one and done. I have to turn it over-turn the hurt and the wounds and the offenders-over to His care and let Him take care of it all.
Otherwise, I start collecting resentments and filling that back pack up until I am weighed down once again.
Last Christmas I got a gift from my husband that came in a tiny box. No, it was not a piece of jewelry (thank goodness, since I only wear jewelry from exclusive stores like Walmart or hand-me-down items from friends, my mom and sometimes clients).
The box had a little note in it that simply read: You can get a kitty.
Best present ever. Our previous 17 year old cat, Sunny Day, passed away the year before and my husband had been resisting “allowing” me to get a new cat. Now I had the green light so I headed to the pet store and got myself the most precious 10 month old cat.
We bonded immediately. She was sweet and beautiful. I couldn’t believe that she was still available. I mean, who wouldn’t have taken this adorable creature before she turned 10 months.
We enjoyed Cali (her official name is California Girl) for about 4 months before we realized that it was highly probable that she had been returned.
Even though she had been spayed and had the scar to prove it, she would caterwaul (Defined as a shrill howling or wailing noise) around the house at the top of her tiny kitty lungs for at least a week. It was as if she was in heat, even though it was supposedly impossible. At first it was once a month and then turned in to every other week. We had to shut her in a room in the basement to get any relief.
Finally, I had a decision to make. As much as I loved her she would either need to be repaired or returned. I called the Feline Ranch where we got her and they said that she needed surgery because sometimes, when they are spayed, they miss a remnant of their ovary and it floats around, causing them to feel like they need a man—if you catch my drift.
We took her in, but the Vet warned us not to get our hopes up because the remnant is so tiny that it is often impossible to find during the 3 hour exploratory surgery. There was a pretty good chance that they wouldn’t find it and she, and we, would continue to suffer.
This was bad news, particularly since my daughter had threatened to never speak to us again if we gave Cali away. 🙂
So, before I tell you the outcome, I want to give you a visual that makes this whole seemingly insignificant story worthwhile.
As I thought about the irritation, frustrating, annoying and crazy-making effects of Ovarian Remnant Syndrome, it reminded me of how resentments work.
Over the past few years, I have done an enormous amount of work to overcome some haunting and often debilitating resentments. I have prayed, read books and sought counsel from wise friends and professionals to help me get relief from what they have done to my soul and to my general demeanor and outlook on life.
I seriously thought that with God’s help, I had released them and they no longer had a hold on me.
Until…
Until the trigger comes.
I drive by her house. I see their car. I smell the fragrance or stench of something that causes me to harken back to time I was wounded. Whatever the trigger is, it causes me to start the caterwauling.
I thought it was gone. I have the scars to prove it. But there are the remnants. They are minuscule but mighty.
Who would have through that such a tiny particle could wreak havoc on my serenity?
When this happens, I have a choice. I can let it stay there, stirring me up and potentially driving everyone around me insane, or I can do some exploratory surgery on myself.
What was the trigger? What piece of the offense have I not let go of? Am I even willing to let it go? Did I really forgive or was it just “out of sight, out of mind?” Why is this bubbling up after being dormant for so long?
I can sit with God and ask Him to help me identify it and extract it.
If it is related to a specific person, I know I need to pray for them. Pray for God “to give them all the good things in their life that I want in mine” (often with gritted teeth and a nauseous feeling in my stomach).
It’s worth spending some time reflecting on the massive power we give to our microscopic resentments we think are safe to hold on to.
Our only solution is to root it out and let go completely. I have written an embarrassing number of blogs on this topic. Read a few and let’s regroup in a few days to wrap up the “rest of the story.”
You may or may not have noticed that I have not posted a new blog for a few weeks (if you didn’t notice, just keep that to yourself 😉). Even though I haven’t written a single block post, I have been a writing fiend for the past couple months!
I’ll try not to over explain, but give me a few minutes to let you know why.
A few months ago I was talking with a church in California about doing one of my Soul-Selfie Soirées (3-hour interactive women’s event). As we chatted, they mentioned that the women at their church had expressed a desire to do a weekend getaway and would I be interested in speaking at something like that?
Naturally, without thinking through the ramifications of it, I said, “Sure!”
I didn’t take time to consider that I only had one “talk” in my repertoire the time. At least on paper. I have a lot rolling around in my head at all times but this would require some serious focus. I spent most of my free time (when not working my real estate business) formulating 3 extra sessions for the retreat.
The first two sessions were my Story and how they can use their own story for God’s glory, regardless of where they are at in their journey. I encouraged them, as I encourage you each time I write, to share in the messy. That’s why I have anything to write about at all. I share my mess with you.
I go first, so you feel safe to go next.
What I added to my message, was, in a nutshell, how to practice the presence of God in the Trauma, the Drama and the Minutiae.
I plan to do a little series soon to let you peak into the meat of each of those sessions.
But today, I truly just want to reflect for a few minutes on that beautiful weekend.
First, of all, I want to point out, if it hasn’t occurred to you already, that 5 times is a lot of speaking, but also, a lot of listening to the same person.
I started to freak out about this the night before the retreat. I mean, wonder if someone didn’t like my talk or me on Friday night? That would make for a very long, annoying weekend for them!
And even if they did, who really wants to hear the same person speak 5 times in 3 days? I imagined that by Saturday night, after their 4 hours of “free time”, only 7 people might show up. The rest might just go out to eat or keep hiking/kayaking/spa-ing. And would anyone make it all the way to Sunday!?!?
I mentioned this fear to my mom and mother-in-law ( so I guess, I could have rest assured that at least 2 people would be there!) saying, “I wouldn’t even want to hear Beth Moore (the best bible teacher ever, in my opinion) speak 5 times in one weekend!”
Then I texted my sister-in-law for some reassurance that the ladies would still keep showing up, to which she said, “I would barely want to listen to Jesus speak 5 times in 3 days!”
Nice.
But guess what? Miraculously, they just kept coming back. I began each session with gratitude. I thanked God and them and I told them all how impressed and proud and humbled I was that they were still there!
However, I want to make this excruciatingly clear:
It was not because of me.
Only God Himself could pull that off.
God has given me a message, but the primary purpose of the events I do is not for them to leave feeling connected to me or impressed by me. It is for them to connect more intimately with God and, this is key, more intentionally with each other.
Many times, we hear speakers and gain information, but we don’t have time built in to dialogue with others about what God is saying to our hearts about it. We move on the next speaker and don’t journal or reflect alone or with others.
At the end of each session, there is time dedicated for them to share with the women at their table how they are experiencing something similar in their current or past circumstances or thought patterns.
They are given the opportunity to be real and vulnerable with the women they came with and will go back to doing daily life with.
It was beautiful to watch. Even after they were dismissed, many groups stayed an continued to share, pray and encourage each other.
The older women offered hope to young moms who were struggling. Single women shared with other singe gals that God can still use their story. They shared about resentments they were harboring towards family members, friends, churches, and even God. It was cleansing and therapeutic. They were connecting at a soul-level.
I spent each session “going first” so they felt safe to go next. And I think it worked.
Regardless of your gender or life stage or faith journey, you too can lean in and share your brokenness and failures in ways that might help someone else find hope and healing in theirs.
Those women practiced at the retreat. But you can start practicing today.
The theme verse of the weekend was 2 Corinthians 1:3,4:
Praise be to God, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we in turn can comfort others with the same comfort we have received from Him.”
My paraphrase is:
“We go through what we go through so we can help others get through what we went through (with God’s help).”
Start using your story. You go first, so others feel safe to go next.
…And thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to hear me say it to you in 5 different sessions over 3 short days. 😂
While we don’t ever want to be CARELESS, are there times when we should CARE LESS about certain things? What others think about us? Being too focused on the outcome? Instead focusing on the process, the impact, where we are right now with the relationship, conversation, and our growth? In this Episode Bruce and Heather compare and contrast CARELESS versus CARE LESS
When you think of GRANTED what comes to mind? Maybe being taking or taken for? Or maybe received as a gift? In this episode, Bruce and Heather unpack the two ways this word can impact our lives. GRANTED Greedy | Grateful Regardless | Respected Assumed | Appreciated Narcissistic | Not but for Grace Taken as owed | Thankful Expected | Embraced Demanded | Deeply Moved Learn more about Bruce Pulver, book a speaking engagement, and order Above the Chatter Our Words Matter at http://abovethechatterourwordsmatter.com/. Watch Bruce’s TEDx Talk at: https://www.ted.com/talks/bruce_pulver_the_secret_to_changing_negative_self_talk_by_renewing_your_mindset Learn more about Heather Carter, book a speaking engagement, and order Soul-Selfie or Soul-Selfie#NoFilter at https://heathercarterwrites.com
Heather and Bruce back together again to unpack MINUTIAE. The small stuff. Really. Maybe the day to day mundane can bring us great joy if we pay attention and use the time in these tasks to connect with others and make an impact. Drive through lines, Grocery store check outs, Elevators, etc. Just a simple engagement can make a huge difference.
Many intricate details In the big picture do they matter? Not always but should know they are part of life Unimportant or critical? Take a moment to find out A spot where growth works Easy to get lost or found
I am not really sure how this is all going to come together, but usually, as I write, my thoughts sort of fall into place and I can pull some sort of nugget out of an otherwise embarrassing story.
Like the one I am about to tell you.
I don’t know if I have waited 3 weeks to write about it because my ego is still a bit singed, but for whatever reason, I am ready to “reason it out” with ya’ll on this fine day before Good Friday.
It’s probably not a coincidence that God has put this idea in my head and on my heart, coming to fruition the day before the horrific event that made what I am about to talk about even a possibility.
So, I will now stop stalling and tell you how it went down.
It was St. Patrick’s day and we went to hear our friend’s band (Fun DMC….check it out!). I was innocently minding my own business and visiting with the people at our table when all of a sudden, the lead female vocalist was standing in front of me and then pulling me on to the stage.
I didn’t really have time or opportunity to object before she handed me a mic and told me to sing. They were singing the song from “Friends” (I’ll be there for you….) and since I figured running off the stage and into the bathroom would also be pretty humiliating, I did my best to muddle through in my mom-clothes while the adorable lead-girl jumped around in her miniskirt and Wonder Woman tank top.
Now, even though I wasn’t prepared for this, I do sing at church and other places so I joined in and felt like it sounded pretty decent. It was terrifying but at least I kept up.
Well, the next day I watched the video that my dear husband took and sent to our children to prove their mom is still sorta hip and not a stick-in-the-mud on St. Patrick’s Day.
I was mortified, to say the least. I won’t even spend time talking about how dorky I looked. You are welcome for that.
But listen, people. I sounded hilariously horrific.
I was just slightly off, slightly sharp (for those of you who know music lingo) the entire song.
At the time, I had no idea. I thought, considering I had not prepped for it, that I had nailed it!
Watching it made my skin crawl and my ego shrivel.
I mean, I know I can sing on pitch. I really wanted a chance to explain this to those people. Give me another chance, for the love of Pete!
The past few weeks, as I have relived this embarrassment over and over in my mind, God has taught me a little something (as He usually does, if I let Him).
In trying to analyzed why I sounded so off, I realized that the reason I can hear myself (and remain on pitch) when singing at church, with a full band and other vocalists, is that I have an in-ear monitor. This allows me to hear my specific voice as it cuts through all the surrounding sounds.
To keep it simple, I think life with God’s Spirit in me is like this.
Only it’s His voice that cuts through all the other noise and leads me. Guides me. Directs me.
He helps me stay on pitch.
When I am not listening for His voice, I may be thinking I am performing like a rock star, but I am just slightly off.
There is no “sunlight of the spirit” about me.
I am pulling myself up by my own bootstraps. Enforcing my will and my way.
Running full speed ahead with out pausing to ask if this is what God would want for me that day.
In short, I am out of tune. I stink and I don’t even know it!
Until later, when I take time to reflect. To harken back to how I responded, behaved or reacted and realize that it was my nature, not God’s that came out of me. And then the regret and remorse for having grieved His Spirit by relying on my own comes flooding in.
I know it can sound a bit far-fetched and spooky to some of you, but the Holy Sprit really can dwell within you, helping you live life abiding intimately with the God of the universe. It’s hard to wrap my brain around sometimes.
I don’t remember where I heard this, but a speaker said, “Having the Holy Sprit live in us—God Himself in Sprit form—sounds too good to be true; and so we live as if it is.” As if we don’t have access to our Creator at all times but just talking to him without so much as moving our mouths.
Tomorrow is Good Friday. The day Jesus, the son of God, was killed so that God could make it possible for me to live with the whisper of His Holy Sprit in my ear, and in my Being, at all times.
Because, as pastor Tony Campolo so brilliantly preached: “It’s Friday…But Sunday’s Coming.
The despair of Good Friday brings the glorious promise of Resurrection Sunday: that God Himself can now whisper in your ear too, if you are willing to listen.
Ever feel stuck, not moving forward, in a holding pattern that seems to be going nowhere? Kind of like a pond that has no movement. It can be piling up with sediment and algae forming. Late at night mosquitoes can appear. Just seems stopped and clogged; not moving and feels stifling. We can feel this way as well, An uncomfortable feeling that can create anxiety, angst, fear, and nervousness. Even though we are not moving, all can feel out of control. When STAGNANT the feeling can be : Something Awful Going Nowhere And Nothing but Tension But what if we seek a way in the stagnation to be STILL, and start moving? It takes only a MOMENT to get MOMENTum. Sit Til Languish Leaves Ezekiel 32 V 14. The water will be clear and the streams will be calm, I, the LORD GOD have spoken! Psalm 46:10. Be STILL and know that I am God. Learn more about Bruce Pulver, book a speaking engagement and order Above the Chatter Our Words Matter at http://abovethechatterourwordsmatter.com/ Watch Bruce’s TEDx Talk at: https://www.ted.com/talks/bruce_pulver_the_secret_to_changing_negative_self_talk_by_renewing_your_mindset Learn more about Heather Carter, book a speaking engagement, and order Soul-Selfie or Soul-Selfie#NoFilter at https://heathercarterwrites.com
