Anxiety/Worry, awareness, Faith/Spirituality, Serenity

What’s on your index card?

As I have mentioned before, I do some yoga in the mornings. If I am coherent enough to remember, I lean an index card against the coffee table leg with a meditation to focus on and keep my mind from running ahead into the rest of my day. the other day I fired up my laptop with the video, set up my card and my mat and lit a candle. As I prepared for my first position, my mind started to fret over a few things left undone and and things I was afraid I would forget to do in the future. Luckily, I remembered, after a few minutes of worrying, to re-center my mind on my day’s mantra. I glanced over at the index card for the words I knew would give me perspective: It was upside down and backwards.

Well, that sounds about right. How much of my life is lived with me either forgetting about that card entirely, or operating with it upside down and backwards? I have several cards to choose from each morning. Each has some truth that reminds me of what I believe to be true, or want to be true in my life. Phrases like, “Do not worry about the past or the future. Each moment is enough for now. BE PRESENT” , “I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him”, or “Me and the people I know and love are exactly where we are supposed to be right now. We are all ENOUGH.” But doggonit if I don’t forget them as soon as I roll up my yoga mat.

Over the past several years I have had to gather some new beliefs and tools and practices to manage some extreme challenges in my own little world. I read and review and talk about these principles with friends and at recovery meetings. But it doesn’t take much to let my serenity slip subtly away. It doesn’t take a catastrophe to make me forget what I know is the best way to live and behave. It only takes a slight distraction. That distraction can be a too-busy schedule with no time set aside to reflect and pray. Or it can be a person I choose to focus on fixing rather than taking care of my own over-all needs. And it can definitely be all the “cares of this world”, as Jesus put it, that vie for my attention and trick me into thinking that much of what I think matters, simply doesn’t.

This week I picked up a book. It’s actually my book about my life written by me. I am fascinated! If only I could be like that girl, I’d be amazing! And to quote myself, “when you compare yourself with yourself and you’re still not good enough, you know your in trouble!”. I would read an entry and think to myself, “Yes! I forgot that I believe that! I haven’t been living as if I do, that’s for dang sure.”

Here’s the deal; most of us know what we believe to be true and how we ought to live, love and act. If you don’t, start there. But if you do, you are probably also keenly aware, especially at the beginning of a new year, that you have a strong tendency, like I do, to forget to return to those beliefs and ways of living that you know will help you be your best and highest self, living in harmony and unity with yourself, God and others.

Yes, my index card, with an reminder of what I believe, was (and often is) upside down and backwards. But the goal is to keep referring back to those cards. First figure out what you need to put on your “cards” and harken back ( that’s fancy talk for “remember to look at it ya ding dong!) to it over and over as you go through your days. There will be times the words will be embedded on your heart and mind with unwavering clarity, while other times your card might be crumpled on the floor of your car or mixed in with a bunch of junk on your kitchen counter. But remember to look for it when you sense yourself getting out of step. Aimless. Grumpy. Discouraged. Heavy. Anxious. Fearful. Angry.

None of us can do this perfectly all the time. But my prayer for me and for you is that we will notice less and less space between the unrest and the solution when remember to return to our roots. To the core of what we know we believe.

Harken back to what’s on your “index card.”

Faith/Spirituality, grace

“When is enough enough?

My yoga mediation for today was “today I am ENOUGH, and I trust you with my future”. Mine are always some sort of reminder to “get God in there” as I start my day. This one is particularly powerful for me at Christmastime, a time when I feel sub-par in multiple areas. Maybe you have been feeling it too. I have caught myself worrying that I don’t have enough money to buy this or enough to pay for that (now that I just swiped my credit card). I am certain I don’t have enough hours in my day to finish my shopping and get everything wrapped in the next 6 days. I feel like I am not a good enough friend or neighbor because I haven’t baked one cookie or Christmasy treat for them, or for my own family, for that matter. I haven’t celebrated enough with people I care about, I haven’t spent enough time sitting quietly in my living room enjoying my Christmas tree and I haven’t done enough holiday activities or engaged in enough of our usual Christmas traditions. I haven’t reflected enough on the real reason for the season. My home doesn’t look enough like a Martha Stuart catalogue. I haven’t sent enough Christmas cards out (ok-so zero Christmas cards is legitimately “not enough”) and I am scared to death that I’ll realize on Christmas Eve that I don’t have enough presents for one of my kids (because we all know everything has to be even). Oh, and did I mention that lately I haven’t gotten enough sleep or eaten enough fruits and vegetables or worked out enough? Sigh…

You might say that I need to relax and lighten up. Take it easy on myself, for pete’s sake. You might be right.

But isn’t this the battle we all feel drawn to engage in during this single month of the year? we feel like the answer to the question “when is enough enough?” Is “never” when it comes to the scramble of the holidays.

One of the reasons I do not feel “enough” is because I compare myself with others and determine I don’t measure up. The other is because my expectations are unreasonable, unrealistic and unattainable. when I focus on trying to meet such expectations, I feel less than. Like a failure. Like not enough.
Today (and I will try not to wish I had practiced this meditation soon enough to enjoy this season more fully) I will remind myself again and again and again that who I am and what I have done is enough. It’s enough for me and enough for others and most certainly enough for God.

Addiction, Anxiety/Worry, Brokenness, Cancer, Faith/Spirituality, fear

An exception to the yoga rule

I don’t have any hard evidence for this, but I believe it to be true in most cases; for every rule/principle, there is an exception. And here’s mine in regards to the Yoga blog I wrote a couple days ago (read now if you missed it or this will make no sense): Even though that blog implored you to be fully present in your moments, there are simply some moments (phases, stretches, seasons) in your life when you need to be somewhere else. In your mind, that is.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain it, but as I was playing the devil’s advocate to being fully engaged in our lives as they are happening, I realized that there have been some experiences in my own life that were I not able to get outside of and beyond my immediate circumstances by going somewhere else in my mind, I would have shriveled up, withered away or been left for dead.

When I was diagnosed with Leukemia is obviously the biggest exception to this rule. I still accepted the reality of my circumstances (which is vital for living differently in spite of them), but I chose to focus and spend my energy hoping for the future and making beauty out of the pile of ashes that was handed to me. When negative, cruel or hurtful people spoke words to me (or about me or my family members) I chose to listen to anything that I needed to address in myself and discard the rest. I could decide to not embrace or receive hate and instead listen to the words of grace and mercy that God and those I love “speak” over me.

Maybe a parent or a spouse has abused you verbally or physically. Do not live in those moments. Accept them as reality, get outside help when necessary, and by every and all means, reject those attempts to damage and scar your soul and self-worth. Or maybe it’s more subtle. Maybe a boss or coworker or a so-called friend regularly criticizes, critiques or oppresses you. Do not engage. Do not receive it into your Being.
I am sure there are many, many more examples of horrid situations that you could fill in here. But hopefully you hear me when I give you this exception to the rules of engagement. Sometimes you have to live above and beyond the immediate circumstances so you don’t give up hope or internalize lies disguised as truth.

When it comes to moments like this, it’s OK if you can’t touch your toes. 👣

Faith/Spirituality, Serenity

Yoga Life-tips for people who can’t touch their toes

This morning I did Yoga. And by “did yoga” i mean I used a yoga mat, wore the too-tight yoga attire and fumbled my way through a yoga video. I have to be honest and tell you that my main motive for choosing Yoga was to avoid P90X which would cause me to sweat profusely and require me put tennis shoes on and jump up and down. I decided that at 6 AM an activity that would allow me to take a sip of coffee after each downward dog might actually get me out of bed.

So while I was doing this Yoga thing, I was planning my day and asking God what he wanted me to write about this morning. Having mentioned that, I can feel the disdain from those of you who truly have a yoga “practice” as part of your lifestyle, because thinking, planning, and being somewhere other than present in said yoga practice, is the antithesis of what Yoga is all about. I know this, but I am a Yoga novice and can barely touch my toes, let alone clear my mind and focus only on what my body is doing, or not doing, at the moment.

But, while I was teetering in crescent pose and simultaneously planning out my day, God gave me a handy little visual of how doing yoga very often mimics my life. Two words that the instructor kept emphasizing were “engage” and “balance”. So much about yoga, and life, is about how to stay balanced. In yoga, balance poses can be held for literally minutes (unless you are like me and you fall over every 3 seconds). And apparently, the key to staying balanced, is to engage. Engage your core, your leg muscles as they ground you to the earth, and most importantly, your mind. Your thoughts. Yoga is about bringing every though captive to the current. If you are trying to stay balanced but your mind is worrying about how you were offended yesterday or is tootling off into the future, trying to figure out your day or your life in general, you will most likely tip over into the piano bench (withold judgment, please).

The other day I was sharing with a friend about the struggle I have with this practice of engagement. Being truly present in my circumstances is extremely hard for me. I have this weird guilt about enjoying where I am at, regardless of my past or potential future events. No matter what I am doing I feel like I should be somewhere else. When I am reading/studying I feel guilty that I am not working. When I am working I feel guilty because I am not hanging with my kids. When I hang with my kids I feel guilty that I am not cleaning my house…You get the idea. But in order to have balance in my life, which is something I think we all long for, I have to be engaged in my life in the moment. Not wishing I were somewhere else or feeling bad about being where I am.

So-today, i will do what I can to stay engaged in the moment. To live it as fully as I can, and be gentle with myself, because I am fairly certain it’s going to be a slow learning process. I have been doing it the other way for so long. But I am desperate for balance in my heart, mind, body and soul, so I am willing to try a new “pose”.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift…that’s why they call it the present.”

-Master Oogway

( it seems that no one really knows who actually coined that quote, but of all the renditions, I chose the one by “Master” Oogway, because that just seemed to fit😏)

Namaste.