Anxiety/Worry, awareness, Faith/Spirituality, fear, Trust

“Terrification”

When my 22-year-old son, Berkeley, was about 2, he had an irrational (yet adorable) fear of “fuzzies”. Now that I think about it, maybe my house-keeping was lacking, because the “fuzzies” he was referring to were little balls of lint. If one made it’s way out from under the couch or was stuck to an item of clothing, he would panic and scream “Fuzzy! Fuzzy! Fuzzy!”. And while we’re on the fear-note, my kids and my husband all share a heightened fear of spiders. Spiders don’t just get stepped on or squished in our home, they get tortured, often with poisonous spray or a combo of fire and hairspray if time allows.

I am not particularly frightened of the usual suspects; snakes, spiders, public speaking, the dark, clowns, or fuzzies. But here is what I have come to realize about what I do fear: I am often afraid of pretty much everything else. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration, but let me tell you, it’s a lot. And most of the things I fear are about as rational as a fear of fuzzies.

Recently, quite by accident or divine direction, I came across some writings that helped me put some of my thoughts on fear into better words than I have been able to express on my own. See if some of them ring true for you:

*”The problem isn’t that we’re lost or apathetic, narcissistic or materialistic. The problem is we’re terrified…A lot of us know we have what it takes-the looks, the education, the talent, the credentials. But in certain areas we’re paralyzed. We’re not being stopped by something on the outside, but by something on the inside. Our oppression is internal…We’re just afraid, period. Our fear is free-floating. “

“Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking other people don’t have as much fear as we do, which only makes us more afraid. Maybe they know something we don’t know. Maybe we’re missing a chromosome.” 😂

“Fear is to love as darkness is to light. It’s a terrible absence of what we need in order to survive. It’s a place we go where all hell breaks loose.”

“God is not the author of fear. You are.”

On my way to work, almost every day for the past month or so, I tell Siri to “play ‘Fear, He is a Liar’ on U-Tube”. It ends about the time I pull into the office parking lot. I have to remind myself before I walk in the office and through-out my day, that “Fear, He is a liar”. I have to remind myself that the antithesis of fear is love and for me, Trusting that God knows better than I do how my day, my life, should play out. He knows that what I want is not always what I need. Even though I am not always 100% satisfied with the way my life is at that moment, I am still terrified that it will change or be taken away.  I believe that fear is at the root of most everything that is at unrest in my spirit (my anxieties and worries and hauntings) and the source of all my egomaniacal behaviors ( that’s the intellectual phrase for bragging, posturing, image-managing).

I don’t like having fear. It feels weak. It feels weak because it is weak. And even though it can be a powerful force that keeps me immobilized with insecurity, worry, hyper controlling and self-focused thinking, It is not all-powerful. There is a power greater than fear. I have found that power to be my God. He tells me that “perfect love casts out fear”. That’s definitely something worth unpacking because otherwise fear will get the better of me and hold me back from living in freedom, serenity, and unwavering trust.

Now that I have unearthed this idea that maybe we might all share a common struggle with terrification (a pseudo-intellectual word I made up meaning “a state of being terrified instead of terrific” ), I am going to sign off and think on this for a few days. Feel free to weigh in. More to come.

Anxiety/Worry, awareness, Faith/Spirituality, fear, Serenity, Special ed pre school

“Make Good Choices👍” (From the “Everything I need to know I learned in Special-Ed Preschool” series)

Some of my biggest life-lessons have come as a result of working for a few years with Special Ed pre-schoolers. As a 48 year old with a full-time job, a published author and a mother of 3 almost-grown children, that’s saying something. The “something” that is says is that at my core, I still need the simplicity of pre-school principles in order to address my emotional, relational and spiritual challenges. If I ever master the basics, I’ll be sure to let you know.

So, without further ado, I bring you another entry of “Everything I Need to know I Learned in Special-Ed Preschool”.

I tell you what, it’s been about 4 years since I worked at that school and I can still picture their adorable faces and hear their tiny voices in my head. One life-skill we worked very intentionally to teach them is the importance of making good choices. We regularly said to them, about a thousand times in a 2 hour time frame, “Make good choices” and accompanied that instruction with a smile and symbolic “thumbs up”. It occasionally made a difference, but it also took tattling to a whole different level. I distinctly remember a little boy finding me during play time and proudly informing me that so-and-so had made a “bad choice”, accompanied with a symbolic ‘thumbs down” gesture. Bless his precious pre-school heart…

This weekend, out of the blue (or maybe not so much, since I was thinking not-loving thoughts about and being extra critical of myself), I had a revolutionary thought. Remember the days (sadly, a fad that has waned a bit) when people wore WWJD? bracelets and put said stickers on their cars? It is an acronym for “What Would Jesus Do?”. And regardless of what you believe about him in a spiritual/salvation sense, I think most of us can agree that if we could indeed model our life and love patterns after Jesus, we would be pretty darn pleasant people. So, back to my revolutionary thought; Maybe it would be a better practice to ask myself WWJT?. “What Would Jesus Think?”. Because, my brain has a hard time deciding what exactly Jesus would do. Would he really work-out or tan or spend $5 on a coffee drink or kill time by wandering through Target? It’s a confusing question for me (like I said, I learn a lot from pre-schoolers so that should make perfect sense to you). But what I am fairly certain I can answer “yes” or “no” to is about what kind of thoughts I allow myself to entertain. It’s one thing for a thought to come through my mind, but whether I choose to let it in again or ruminate on it should depend on my answer to that question.

In other words, or in pre-school lingo, that means I have to “make good thought-choices”. Not that I am in the clear entirely about my not-so-nice thoughts about others, but I have found that my most destructive and anti-like-Jesus thinking is more about my thoughts about myself. In fact, even when my negative thoughts start off being about others, they usually circle back around to me (the EGO is a powerful monster). When I have jealous or covetous thoughts about another persons success at work or their material possessions, the root of those thoughts goes back to me feeling like somehow I have failed or don’t measure up. My thoughts quickly beat and batter myself over my perceived failure. I have a hundred more examples, but I think you get my point.

But most of all, it is worth posing the WWJT? Question to all the self-thoughts that cycle through my head minute by minute. I think part of the reason this idea was triggered in me this weekend was because I sang at church. I regularly doubt myself and my talents, comparing them to others who seem to be more confident and blessed with more natural vocal abilities. That’s when it occurred to me that these were not thoughts that I believe Jesus would have about himself. I can’t imagine that Jesus would tell himself that he stunk at what he was doing or that he wasn’t as good as that person so he might as well quit. I don’t believe he would complain about the body God had blessed him with or whine because his Father didn’t answer his prayers the way he expected him to or in the time slot he felt would work best for everyone. And here’s a good one, I don’t believe Jesus would worry in his mind about what his employer or co-workers think of him. He would do his best and forget the rest. What they thought of him ultimately had no bearing on his calling. I don’t even believe he would stress about what other people believe about him or if was who he said he was, knowing that they are in the hands of God himself who desires that each person should have an intimate relationship with Him. He just focused on loving God and loving people. He probably didn’t spend time obsessing about his problems, telling himself that things usually turn out bad for him so why bother expecting God to show up. Pretty sure he didn’t have thoughts like I often do: “I’m so stupid-lazy-forgetful-insensitive-worthless”. And this haunting thought that I am not enough (not spiritual enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not tidy enough, not attentive enough, not serving enough, etc.) is not something I imagine he would entertain.

If I can learn to catch myself quickly, as all my thoughts creep in, and ask myself WWJT?, I just might be able to finally give myself a break. Maybe I can relax and trust God for my well-being, my affirmation and my identity. Maybe I can learn from Jesus’ way of thinking, how to think kinder, gentler thoughts about myself and my world.

What do ya think? Time for another kind of bracelet? WWJT? 🤔

Anxiety/Worry, Faith/Spirituality, fear, Trust

I’m OK. You’re (not) OK. That’s OK.

At first, I was struggling about what to say this morning. When I do my morning reading, I usually get a nudging or prompting from God about what to write about. More often than not, it is something I am personally working through, and it leans heavily toward ways my thinking has gone haywire. Today, just when I thought perhaps I had nothing to say, I connected the dots and in no time at all was snuggled on the couch with my IPad.

Let’s connect the dots together. Lately I have been having a hard time with being OK even when those around me are not OK (or at least not OK in the ways I want them to be OK). This way of living is disturbing to me. And that is an important and intentional way to say it: It is disturbing to me. Not to others. To me. When I allow what others do or say (or don’t do or say) to affect my peace of mind, I am allowing my own happiness and well-being to be determined by forces outside of myself. Depending on other people being OK for my OK-ness is dangerous, unsettling and exhausting.

I was reminded of this as I was lying in bed last night, not sleeping. I generally fall asleep pretty easily, but my son has had some issues getting to sleep so of course, like a responsible mother, I was laying in bed worrying about that on his behalf. Do you ever feel like that? That somehow fretting about those we care about is a requirement to prove ( To who? Not exactly sure.) that you really and truly care about them? This example is pretty minor. You can imagine what it can look like when people I know and love are in actual turmoil or battling a potentially terminal disease. It seems preposterous to consider that I could have a peaceful, happy and God forbid, fun, day or life when such circumstances are attached to people I care about.

I belong to a Recovery group that works the 12 Steps. The first step addresses this exact challenge (admitting you are powerless over ________ and that your life has become unmanageable) and I have read it out loud and studied it inside and out for about 6 years. And it’s still hard! You wanna know why? Because it is and always will be hard. Sometimes I act as if I will win if I just manage that thing, person or situation to death. But, because I am now aware of the solution, this mindset isn’t impossible to combat when I use the tools I have been introduced to. Here is a bit of that solution from some of the literature I draw from:

“…life is unmanageable whenever we lose perspective about what is and is not our responsibility. We take offense at actions that have nothing to do with us. Or we intervene where it is inappropriate and neglect our legitimate obligations to ourselves and others. Our misplaced concern for others becomes intrusive, meddling, resented, and doomed to failure. Instead of helping those we care about, we demonstrate a lack of respect for them or create discourse in our relationships.

When our preoccupation with others distracts us from our responsibilities to attend to our own physical, emotional, and spiritual health, we suffer. Our health and self-esteem decline. we become incapable of accepting reality, coping with change, or finding happiness.”

If you have been “preoccupied” in your mind with a loved one’s troubles or choices (whether they will make good ones or have already made ones you don’t agree with, which doesn’t always equal “bad”, by the way), neglecting your own health (forgetting to eat, over-eating, losing sleep, finding yourself immobilized or unable to have fun) or find yourself minding their business without invitation ( while forgetting to “mind” your own), it might be time to press “pause”. Pause in a quiet space and talk with God about what his will is for you. For you and only you. So much of the time I know I am missing it because my Being is consumed by the sayings and doings of others.

I have to learn to continually “let go and let God” take care of the people, places and things that are legitimately out of my control. I have a responsibility to live my one and only life with joy and passion and hope. I can be happy even when those I love are not. I can have a good day when those I care about are having a hard day. I can have peace in my soul even when others are at unrest and distressed.It’s called “detachment: separating myself emotionally and spiritually from other people”. It doesn’t mean I am irresponsible, indifferent, calloused or flippant about what others are experiencing. I can pray for them and extend kindness and love and appropriate help when it is welcomed. But ultimately, my serenity and contentment come from within me and can remain even when seas of anxiety and pain and stress swirl around me. It is indeed responsible, healthy, possible and desirable for me to be OK, even if you are not.

OK? OK.

Cancer, Faith/Spirituality, gratitude

Three days before cancer…

Tomorrow marks 4 years to the day I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I suppose it didn’t arrive that day, but I was blissfully ignorant of it until 4:00 February 6th, when a doctor from Simmons Cancer Institute told me over the phone that my blood work, done that morning, indicated that I had Leukemia and I should go straight to the hospital. They already had a bed reserved for me.

For obvious reasons, I have been reflecting on that day, and actually, even more so on the days leading up to that day. Before I get into what I can learn from my experience, I want to share a few miracles that led up to February 6th, making it possible for me to survive Leukemia and not be taken by it. Some of you might not realize what a close call it was. When I spoke to the oncologist after arriving at the hospital around 5:00 (one hour after they informed me of this diagnosis), he told me that at the rate my white blood cells were reproducing combined with the fact I had no immune system, no platelets and no red blood cells, if I hadn’t come in that day, I would most likely not have lived to see next week.

So, let’s rewind a couple of weeks. I was in California visiting my family. My mom and sister and I went on a hike. I literally had to stop every 20 feet or so and catch my breath. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I figured I was just out of shape (because the Leukemia hadn’t presented itself yet but still had some weird symptoms, I had been diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis) from slacking on my workouts. In actuality, I had no red blood cells, which stores your oxygen. Of course, I would not be shown up by my mom and sister so I pushed through and made it to the top. It’s a miracle I didn’t have a heart attack!

Also a miracle: I flew on an airplane with no immune system and didn’t contract even one virus, any of which could have killed me!

While I was in California, I got an email from a friend who I hadn’t seen for several months. She asked about getting together sometime and instead of it being weeks or months before we could coordinate our schedules as sometimes happens, we made a date to meet on Wednesday of the upcoming week. By the time I met with her, I was so discouraged about my symptoms ( I think I knew in my heart I did not just have Rheumatoid Arthritis) that I decided to just ignore it for awhile and pick it back up. I was tired of trying to figure it out. But, when I met with my friend, I told her about all the little red dots on my body and bruises on my forearms, just from resting them on the armrest on the plane ride home. I whined a lot about having to eat differently because I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. She said that her son had a blood infection when he was small and it had similar symptoms to mine. By the end of the day, thanks to Web MD, I was convinced that I had it. I was back in the game of trying to figure out what was going on with my body. I would have ignored it had I not met with her and her son hadn’t had something similar. I remember her telling me that I should see a hematologist. I didn’t know until later, as I went to my Oncologist, that they go hand in hand. And, Leukemia is a blood cancer. Miracle #3.

The next day was Thursday and I was scheduled to clean a house. It was getting harder and harder to function because every movement caused my heart to race. I distinctly remember contemplating if my client would notice if I didn’t vacuum the upstairs that week because I was pretty sure carrying the vacuum up from the basement might do me in. I realized that this was ridiculous since I was a fairly in-shape 45-year-old! I called to make an appointment to see my doctor. I made it clear that I didn’t want to see a nurse practitioner, only my real doctor, because I suspected something was seriously wrong with me. She told me he could not see me for a week. I said that was fine, but after telling her my symptoms, she said, “Hold on a minute. Let me see if you can get you in earlier because of your heart issues.” I was on hold so long that I eventually hung up. She called me back and told me he would see me the next morning, Friday, February 6th. Miracle #4.

I remember that day like it was yesterday and forever ago at the same time. I remember going to a Real Estate training, leaving early and telling the instructor I would be back after my appointment. I didn’t go back to Real Estate for 8 months. I remember sitting in the waiting room with my husband (who I made go with me to bully the doctor into listening to me better). I remember him demanding a complete blood count, and my doctor be befuddled about what might be going on with me. As a side note, I’m no doctor, but if someone told me they had red dots and bruises on their body (no platelets) their heart was pounding out of their chest when they bent over to pick something up (no red blood cells) and had other chronic symptoms that never seemed to get better (no immune system) I would tell you to get a CBC stat to make sure they didn’t have Leukemia. Anyway…I digress. Needless to say, we don’t go to that doctor anymore.

When I got home, I was tired and discouraged. Not really worried, just done. Done with trying to diagnose myself and feeling like no one else could. I slept for 3 hours. I woke about 3:00, did a couple chores around the house and got “the call” at 4:00. I sat at my kitchen table in shock as they told me the news. I didn’t freak out or anything. In fact, I didn’t even call my husband. I called a doctor friend of mine to find out if he knew any good Oncologists because I had just been told I had Leukemia. He said he didn’t and I remember saying, “Hmmm, maybe I should call Blake.” He concurred. Blake came flying in as I was packing to go to the hospital. What exactly does one pack for an open ended trip to the hospital? While I packed my husband called the doctor back to get better information. Apparently I wasn’t able to communicate effectively in my current state. We called a friend to come pick up Bennett and Emma had already left for a friend’s house for a sleepover. As we got in the car I wondered out loud how long I would be in the hospital. My husband said, “Thirty days”. That’s when it started to get real. It ended up being 35 due to the fact that I got a secondary infection that almost killed me, but that’s a story for another time.

Pretty sure that all of that story wasn’t necessary to recount in order to make my point today, but bear with me because I really need to talk about it. It helps me be grateful for where I am and where I am not.

When I go through all these precursors to cancer D-Day, I am not only thankful that we caught it in time and for all the miracles leading up to it, but I am acutely aware that I took for granted life as I knew it before Leukemia. On any given day I can certainly find something to worry and complain about, and boy, do I! But after cancer came, I would reflect on my health prior to that and how often I not only didn’t appreciate it, but whined about it (I am so tired, so sore, so fat….)! For a lot of us, we don’t know what we’ve got til’ it’s gone. We complain about our kids not being focused enough on school, until they are caught with drugs or alcohol. We just don’t think we can make it through one more day of work with those people, until we get fired and can’t find another job. We hate on our bodies when we are young and don’t realize how good we looked until we are old and 20 lbs heavier. We battle feeling taking advantage of and unappreciated by our children until they move out and we feel lonely and long for someone to take care of and cook for.

You get the idea. It is extremely hard to live in the moment and savor it. My friend always asks me, when I am complaining or panicking about my life circumstances, “”Is everything OK right now? Then everything is OK.” In other words, today is all we have, and tomorrow could be drastically different. If we knew what was coming would we have a different attitude? Maybe. Hopefully. But even though God cares about all our problems, there are always people who have it worse, and today or tomorrow “those people” might be you. So, just for today, try to focus on what is at hand. I really wish I would have tried better to enjoy my last few days before cancer hijacked my life. Have you ever had that type of regret?

Today, when I find myself worrying or complaining about people or situations in my life, I think “at least I don’t have Leukemia. I can shower by myself and go to the grocery store and eat fresh fruit. I don’t need a walker or a shower chair and all my food doesn’t taste like metal. I don’t have to stay in the hospital 6 days at a time, I get to do my own cleaning, and I don’t have to give myself a daily shot in the stomach.” Try inserting some of your own words in there: At least my kids aren’t on drugs, at least I don’t have diabetes, at least he’s not drinking today, at least I have a job, legs that work, eyes that see, ears that hear, a car to drive, a house to heat, food to cook, and the list goes on. Maybe that’s a good prayer that will keep us all a bit more grateful and sound less bratty: At least I have/don’t have______________.Thank you, God. Amen”

Today, I am just grateful to be here

Control, Faith/Spirituality, Trust

More on predicting the future (in case you have been arguing with me…)

This blog is for those of you who read my post last week and have been arguing in your head ever since. If you haven’t read it yet, take a minute to do that before you finish this or it might not make very much sense.

The previous blog was about how we have a human habit of getting ahead of ourselves and preparing for every possible (usually bad) outcome. We waste hours, perhaps days, of our lives occupying our minds with potential solutions to problems that may or may not ever come to pass. My answer for you was to stay out of the future. Be present and quit trying to plan how you might respond to events you have predicted with your limited knowledge and ability.

But some of you start questioning the irresponsibility of not thinking about the future. I mean, anyone knows that if you want to achieve a goal, you have to set one! You have to have a plan. You can’t just hope you will have enough money to go on vacation next summer or assume that the hotel you want will be available when you just show up expecting a room. Some forward thinking is necessary if we are to be functioning vs frustrating members of society.
Even though it might sound like I am contradicting myself, hang with me for a few…

A few months ago I had lunch with a very motivated and successful business woman who gets more done in a day than I do in a week, and with a fresh happy attitude and mounds of energy. It was hard to have a consistent conversation because every other person that walked by knew her and wanted to stop and say hello. I was fascinated. She was meeting with me to help me figure out how to promote my book, shortly after it was published. As we talked about several topics I write about in my blogs, this particular one came up. She thought about it a minute and said that she understood we should give it all up to God and not try to live in the future, but asked “how do we do that if we have meetings and events and conferences to plan? What does that look like?”.

I sat there for a minute and I feel like God gave me an answer that might help her, but for sure helped me: “Hold it loosely”.

James 4:13,14 says “Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow…what you ought to say is, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’ In other words, “Hold it loosely.”

It’s OK to plan. It’s probably necessary to plan most things. Sometimes even far in advance. Part of dreaming and hoping means pondering what the future might look like. But, what I have learned is that I don’t always know what I need or what is best for me. On multiple occasions I have not gotten what I wanted, been sore at God and the world about it, only to find that if I had gotten my way, it would have been disastrous! And there have also been many times that the results I did get, even though I had planned differently, turned out to be better than anything I could have concocted with my small scope of vision.

So relax. I am not advocating that we all live like hippies and give no thought to the future. But, as you plan, get God in there. That part is imperative. Make plans along with God, asking for him to show you his way and his will instead of doing it your way and asking him to bless it after the fact. And once you have made said plans/goal/resolutions, hold them loosely. God may have something entirely different and most likely better than anything you could imagine.

Anxiety/Worry, Control, Faith/Spirituality, fear

“Back to the Future”

By now you know I live in the Midwest. Last week they (“they” being meteorologists who in my opinion have one of the worst jobs ever, being as most of what they forecast rarely happens as they predict, resulting in frustrated and disappointed people around the planet…or maybe that was just me) told us we should expect 5-8 inches of snow. Based on this prediction, Open Houses, conferences, sporting events, yoga classes, concerts and bridal showers were cancelled all over Springfield. My son works at a grocery store and he said that based on the crowd you would think people were preparing for the Apocalypse. Apparently people planned to survive on bread, milk and booze. Ya know, the staples of a well-rounded diet. My son was planning a trip out of town so he left a day early to avoid the “hazardous road conditions”. My husband and I and both sets of grandparents made him a bit crazy with all the tips and warnings about driving in the snow, how to contact AAA in case they slid into a ditch and made him pack blankets, gloves and a hat in his car because you just don’t know what might happen!

Well, let me tell you what did happen. Nothin’. Nada. Zilch. Not only did we not get 5-8 inches and 35 mph winds, what did drop pretty much blew away or melted immediately. So, enough weather talk, because I think you catch my drift 😂…when we predict the future and base our current behavior on what we assume the outcome will be, we are usually in for some disappointment. Not only that, lwe rob the present of it’s joy because our minds are occupied with planning our reactions to future events that may or may not happen.

As usual, when I start thinking about such topics, like I did the day we got zero snow, life provides me with an opportunity or two to learn a lesson. I have to tell you that I am not super happy about it. In fact, I got very little sleep last night because I was very busy formulating all the ways that I will respond to a variety of potential scenarios. I knew it wasn’t helpful or healthy but I just couldn’t seem to shut my mind off.  I tried to turn it over to God, but I just kept taking it back. I let fear and worry about all the obstacles that could arise in the next few days steal my serenity and my sanity. I obsessed about the various possible outcomes of the situation as if I had no other option.

I hope that I am unique in this behavior, but I have a feeling I am not. I smiled when a phrase, a classic movie title actually, came to me regarding this tendency to fret about events that don’t exist: “Back to the Future”. I need to train my mind and choose not to let it to go “Back to (worrying about and trying to predict) the Future”. I would say I made a teensy bit of progress last night and this morning. In the night I tried to focus on being grateful that certain tough circumstances are no longer a part of my life. Instead of a gratitude list for what “is”, sometimes it is more beneficial for me to make one for what “isn’t”. That helped keep my mind stay occupied and my heart be thankful. The other thing I did was look up some readings on Letting Go, Control, and Living in the Present in one of my Recovery books. Then, I looked up a song on U-Tube about Fear being a Liar. Not only did the lyrics give me some relief (Fear, he is a liar. He will take your breath, stop you in your steps. Fear, he is a liar. He will rob your rest, steal your happiness. Cast your fear in the fire, ‘cause fear, he is a liar. -Zach Williams), but the video of people in truly hopeless situations gave me perspective on my own and made me cry and cry. This softened my senses to what many others struggle with and took the focus off of myself and my problems.

I still don’t know how my situation will resolve, but I am choosing not to try to “figure it out” ahead of time. I have done my part and have no control over what other people do or say. One of the lines from a book I read this morning really helped ground me in the truth of the matter:

“Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now…I needn’t explore how I’ll feel about something that might occur in the future. I don’t actually know how I’ll feel, and it may never happen. So when I feel myself leaving the present, I’ll remind myself that the future is not today’s problem.” (Courage to Change p15)

Today is all we have to work with. I don’t want to miss it by going “Back to the Future.”

Addiction, Anxiety/Worry, awareness, Control, Faith/Spirituality, Recovery

Extraction!

I don’t usually write at 4:30 in the afternoon, but today I am a little off because I got a tooth extracted this morning. I went in at 7:00 am and left at 9:45. I have mentioned before that I am a big baby when it comes to dental work. My heart rate rises and even during the shots I am clawing the arms of the chair and my whole body is tense. It didn’t help that a kid was getting his tooth pulled in the room next to me. He was crying and wailing, which was pretty much what I was afraid might happen when they started yanking on my tooth! I wished I would have brought my headphones because the breaking and grinding was sort of making me go insane. I actually asked them to turn up the Mumford and Sons radios station that was playing. At least I could sing along in my head! The dentist was patient and luckily, strong. The roots to my tooth were so wound around the bone that the dentist had to pull on it with all her might for an hour to get it out. When the last piece finally released I thought she might do a post-touchdown dance!

All that was pretty un-fun. But here is the worst part; they don’t put my fake tooth in for 4-6 months! There is nothing there, an no, you can’t see it! I feel so “hillbilly-ish” I can hardly stand it. Apparently it has to heal or something dumb like that, then they can screw a fake tooth into the piece they just drilled in to my jaw (anyone feeling light-headed just talking about this?).

My point in all this isn’t to get sympathy (though I totally earned it!). I had to let my brain go somewhere different while I was waiting for all that to be done, so naturally I thought about how that pleasant situation could relate somehow to life. For starters, I remember a friend sharing that she had some trauma as a young woman that damaged her heart, her body and her tooth. She has been wrestling with the effects of this event for almost 20 years. Awhile ago, she finally had the damaged tooth extracted and shared with me how she used it as an opportunity to make it a symbolic extraction of not only the tooth, but all the pain, nightmares, fears, insecurities and anger that she had been battling for years. I decided to give it a shot.

I pictured God as the dentist, trying his hardest to extract the rotten, unnecessary or no longer needed defects of character out of me. I know without a doubt that even though I know it needs to happen, there is something in me that holds on to those things for dear life. I am like those roots, twisted and tight and clinging with all my might to the very things that can set me free. Relieve me of pain. Help me move on in health and lightness.

And about these defects of character…recovery rooms define them as “assets that have lost proportion.” When we get out of touch with God, listen to wrong voices, are self absorbed and egocentric, or are effected by the disease of addiction in whatever form it presents itself, we often let the very things that once served us well, morph into behaviors or thought patterns that are dangerous to ourselves and our relationships with others. Our job however, and thank God for this, is not to figure out which ones need to go and how to make them go. Our job is simply to turn them over to God and let him decide the where, when, what and how of it. This may sound lazy to some of you, but if you think you are in control of what gets removed and the rate at which it goes, you might be deceiving yourself a bit.

Giving it to God lets a great weight fall from your shoulders.

One last thing; just like the area where my tooth is missing (sigh) has to heal for several months in order for a new tooth to be installed, so do you. You have to give time time. After the old ways, the useless and sometimes harmful ways are extracted, a period of healing and preparing and regenerating needs to happen before the new can be installed in you. Enjoy that time. Rest. Recover. Be patient. Be present. Be grateful. But be ready, because he is about to do something new and beautiful in you when you are ready for it.

I promise it will be worth the wait.

Anxiety/Worry, awareness, Faith/Spirituality, Serenity

What’s on your index card?

As I have mentioned before, I do some yoga in the mornings. If I am coherent enough to remember, I lean an index card against the coffee table leg with a meditation to focus on and keep my mind from running ahead into the rest of my day. the other day I fired up my laptop with the video, set up my card and my mat and lit a candle. As I prepared for my first position, my mind started to fret over a few things left undone and and things I was afraid I would forget to do in the future. Luckily, I remembered, after a few minutes of worrying, to re-center my mind on my day’s mantra. I glanced over at the index card for the words I knew would give me perspective: It was upside down and backwards.

Well, that sounds about right. How much of my life is lived with me either forgetting about that card entirely, or operating with it upside down and backwards? I have several cards to choose from each morning. Each has some truth that reminds me of what I believe to be true, or want to be true in my life. Phrases like, “Do not worry about the past or the future. Each moment is enough for now. BE PRESENT” , “I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him”, or “Me and the people I know and love are exactly where we are supposed to be right now. We are all ENOUGH.” But doggonit if I don’t forget them as soon as I roll up my yoga mat.

Over the past several years I have had to gather some new beliefs and tools and practices to manage some extreme challenges in my own little world. I read and review and talk about these principles with friends and at recovery meetings. But it doesn’t take much to let my serenity slip subtly away. It doesn’t take a catastrophe to make me forget what I know is the best way to live and behave. It only takes a slight distraction. That distraction can be a too-busy schedule with no time set aside to reflect and pray. Or it can be a person I choose to focus on fixing rather than taking care of my own over-all needs. And it can definitely be all the “cares of this world”, as Jesus put it, that vie for my attention and trick me into thinking that much of what I think matters, simply doesn’t.

This week I picked up a book. It’s actually my book about my life written by me. I am fascinated! If only I could be like that girl, I’d be amazing! And to quote myself, “when you compare yourself with yourself and you’re still not good enough, you know your in trouble!”. I would read an entry and think to myself, “Yes! I forgot that I believe that! I haven’t been living as if I do, that’s for dang sure.”

Here’s the deal; most of us know what we believe to be true and how we ought to live, love and act. If you don’t, start there. But if you do, you are probably also keenly aware, especially at the beginning of a new year, that you have a strong tendency, like I do, to forget to return to those beliefs and ways of living that you know will help you be your best and highest self, living in harmony and unity with yourself, God and others.

Yes, my index card, with an reminder of what I believe, was (and often is) upside down and backwards. But the goal is to keep referring back to those cards. First figure out what you need to put on your “cards” and harken back ( that’s fancy talk for “remember to look at it ya ding dong!) to it over and over as you go through your days. There will be times the words will be embedded on your heart and mind with unwavering clarity, while other times your card might be crumpled on the floor of your car or mixed in with a bunch of junk on your kitchen counter. But remember to look for it when you sense yourself getting out of step. Aimless. Grumpy. Discouraged. Heavy. Anxious. Fearful. Angry.

None of us can do this perfectly all the time. But my prayer for me and for you is that we will notice less and less space between the unrest and the solution when remember to return to our roots. To the core of what we know we believe.

Harken back to what’s on your “index card.”

Control, Faith/Spirituality, forgiveness, grace

A huge mistake! (Followed by “God is my refuge”)

I have been reading through my book to collect quotes for my Soul-Selfettes (posted on Instagram and FB in between full blog posts). And it happened, one of my worst fears came true. I found a HUGE mistake! I haven’t actually read my book in book form yet because I was afraid of this exact thing! Spelling and grammar are the worst culprits, but this one was even worse. I  wrote a blog in May 2015 and quoted myself from an earlier blog I wrote on April 21st. Only I couldn’t remember reading that entry in the book. When I looked back, I was horrified to realize it wasn’t in there!!! Seriously, what are the odds that the ONE blog that gets left out is the one I refer to and quote from an entry a month later? Slim my friends. Slim. So, anyway, now that I have recovered from being thoroughly annoyed with myself, I thought I’d re-post. If you have the book, just prints and stick in it’s chronological home. Humor me. 😜

 

April 21, 2015    God is my refuge

I spent yesterday weeding through all the things that have accumulated in my house over the past two months. It was a pretty big task and A LOT of decisions about where to put things. I haven’t had to make any “every day” decisions for a very long time. My brain hurt. One of the blessings of sorting through cards and gifts and lotions etc. was that I was able to read through some special notes people have given us. Warmed my heart all over again. One letter I found, though, was a note to Blake that someone ( thank you, friend, if you are reading this) had written to him soon after he left Hope. It was a letter and with it there was a poem. It was called: REFUGEE. I have always heard God referred to as a REFUGE, but never put two and two together (it’s a problem that plagues me) and realized that if He is my REFUGE, than I am the REFUGEE. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our REFUGE and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear.” Just to clarify, a REFUGE is defined as “Shelter that provides protection from danger or distress. ” A REFUGEE is defined as “a person who flees TO a POWER to escape danger…” . No one FLEES to a country or a power who is more dangerous or harmful than the enemy they are running from. It has to be a destination guaranteed to protect and defend to make it worth the risk of fleeing. Yet I seem to do this all the time. I tend to forget that people, places and things are not powerful enough to provide me with a “shelter to provide protection from danger and distress.” Only God is loving enough. Big enough. Wise enough. I love the response in Psalm 46 when the Psalmist has reflected on how powerful and magnificent God is..He/She says, OH! CLAP YOUR HANDS, ALL YOU PEOPLE!!!! Celebrate and rejoice. God is your REFUGE.

The final lines from our friend’s poem say:

There, the sky is near as near can be, and we are not afraid to ask:

“If you will be my REFUGE Lord,

Then shall I be your REFUGEE?”

Faith/Spirituality, grace

“When is enough enough?

My yoga mediation for today was “today I am ENOUGH, and I trust you with my future”. Mine are always some sort of reminder to “get God in there” as I start my day. This one is particularly powerful for me at Christmastime, a time when I feel sub-par in multiple areas. Maybe you have been feeling it too. I have caught myself worrying that I don’t have enough money to buy this or enough to pay for that (now that I just swiped my credit card). I am certain I don’t have enough hours in my day to finish my shopping and get everything wrapped in the next 6 days. I feel like I am not a good enough friend or neighbor because I haven’t baked one cookie or Christmasy treat for them, or for my own family, for that matter. I haven’t celebrated enough with people I care about, I haven’t spent enough time sitting quietly in my living room enjoying my Christmas tree and I haven’t done enough holiday activities or engaged in enough of our usual Christmas traditions. I haven’t reflected enough on the real reason for the season. My home doesn’t look enough like a Martha Stuart catalogue. I haven’t sent enough Christmas cards out (ok-so zero Christmas cards is legitimately “not enough”) and I am scared to death that I’ll realize on Christmas Eve that I don’t have enough presents for one of my kids (because we all know everything has to be even). Oh, and did I mention that lately I haven’t gotten enough sleep or eaten enough fruits and vegetables or worked out enough? Sigh…

You might say that I need to relax and lighten up. Take it easy on myself, for pete’s sake. You might be right.

But isn’t this the battle we all feel drawn to engage in during this single month of the year? we feel like the answer to the question “when is enough enough?” Is “never” when it comes to the scramble of the holidays.

One of the reasons I do not feel “enough” is because I compare myself with others and determine I don’t measure up. The other is because my expectations are unreasonable, unrealistic and unattainable. when I focus on trying to meet such expectations, I feel less than. Like a failure. Like not enough.
Today (and I will try not to wish I had practiced this meditation soon enough to enjoy this season more fully) I will remind myself again and again and again that who I am and what I have done is enough. It’s enough for me and enough for others and most certainly enough for God.