Lump in my Throat

It feels so good to be at my keyboard again. It’s been almost 2 weeks since my last “real” entry and, like I mentioned in my update, my mind and heart are “back-blogged.” It’s been a long couple weeks of feeling bad and being in the hospital, so when I have ideas about what to write I put them in a little notebook until the time is right. It’s getting full of scribbled topics and stories I can’t wait to write about. Today, however, I am emotional about what I am going to share. Maybe it’s just post-chemo crazies, but every time I think of this particular topic, I cry. It only takes thinking about TWO little words to make it happen. But first let me tell you how I got to this point…

When I was in the hospital, there was a day that my brain couldn’t form an intelligent sentence (some of you may argue that this is not a new development), but I could manage to read. So, who better to read, than myself. I started reviewing some of my past blogs, and after about a half hour and a couple dozen blogs later, I started having the following (embarrassing) thoughts: ” Wow. This is good stuff. If only I could have the perspective and wisdom of THAT girl…THEN I will have ‘arrived’. THEN I would be truly content with who I am.” …Pause for reflection and eye-rolling….At first, I made myself laugh, and then I was horrified…

What kind of standards have I set for my “worthiness” if, when I compare myself with myself, I am STILL not ENOUGH?

Brene Brown, who spends her time researching  shame, guilt, vulnerability, love and belonging, says the following about WORTHINESS. “The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

*I’ll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds

*I;ll be worthy if i can get pregnant.

*I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober.

*I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent.

*I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.

*I’ll be worthy if I make partner,

*I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.

*I’ll be worthy when I can make a living selling my art.

*I’ll be worthy if he calls back and asks me out.

*I’ll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I’m not even trying. (ouch!)

(*I’ll be worthy when I kickleukemiainthebutt)

Ever had any of those thoughts? Here’s the truth we MUST embrace and accept about ourselves,  and the TWO simple words that make a lump form in my throat every time I say or think them (did you catch em’?): WORTHY NOW. Not if. Not when. We are worthy NOW. We are ENOUGH. Right this minute. As is. That’s what God offers us. He longs for us to let Him make up any “deficits” we think we have in the areas we feel insufficient. His grace and love and sacrifice makes it possible to live TODAY with a sense of worthiness. Of being ENOUGH of whatever it is we wish we were more of.

Maybe I am the only one who desperately needs to remind myself of those two simple words. But I have a hunch that I could be wrong about that…Let’s test it. Say it to yourself: “WORTHY NOW” (does your throat hurt too?).