Give it a rest

I will try my best to keep this short and sweet. I am running out of time because I have been searching several books to find a quote I wanted use in this post. I wasted way too much time on this before it occurred to me to ask the Google Machine :).

Before the big reveal of this poignant quote, let me fill you in on what has been happening in me lately. Over time, I have come to understand that when something feels like it came “out of nowhere, all-of-a-sudden, for no particular reason or out of the blue”, there is almost always a trail of evidence to prove otherwise. I just don’t always recognize it until my insides get all murky and I come to an internal screeching halt.

This happened to me last week. In hindsight, I can see that it had been building for awhile.

The best way I can explain it is to share a quote from a book called Invitation to Solitude and Silence by Ruth Haley Barton. On a side note, this book was loaned to me after someone I met with accurately assessed that I might be in an unrecognized state of spiritual emergency). After explaining all her symptoms of burnout to a spiritual director, the author was told: “Ruth you are like a jar of river water all shaken up. What you need is to sit still long enough that the sediment can settle and the water can become clear.”

My brain, my spirit, my soul and my body were stirred up. Unable to be still. Unwilling to be quiet. Untrusting that all the components of my life will be OK if I literally “give it a rest.”

When I have gotten this way in the past and have expressed it to my therapist, he often points out, “Heather. You can do this standing up or laying down. And you have already done it laying down (when my body betrayed me and let leukemia in), I suggest you do the hard work on your heart and soul so you can work on things standing up (without the afflictions of disease, stress, anxiety, fear).”

I totally get what he is saying. That makes perfect sense. He is not-so-subtly suggesting that I learn from my past and pay attention to the warning signs that might be threatening my mental, spiritual and physical health.

But, ironically, the solution to being able to “stand strong” in the long run, is to “sit still.”

Honestly, I miss my leukemia some days, because it gave me a built in excuse to say “no” to doing too much and prevented me from saying “yes” to every opportunity. I was forced to sit in the hospital for 6 whole days every month and spend most of that time in silence and solitude.

That’s where I learned to enjoy just resting alone in God’s presence.

I have lost the luxury of rest that leukemia afforded me. An excuse that everyone will understand. But I desperately need to give myself permission to do it anyway.

Last week I took a day and went on a Silent Retreat.

And, finally, I will tell you the quote I was frantically searching for. This conversation with Mother Teresa and Dan Rather gave me guidelines for what I was to do during that day:

Dan: “When you pray, what do you say to God?”

Mother Teresa: ‘’I don’t say anything. I listen.”

Dan: “Well OK…when God speaks to you, what does he say?”

Mother Teresa: “He doesn’t say anything. He listens.” And then she added, “and if you don’t understand that, I can’t explain it to you.”

I also heard a story about two prominent pastors discussing what one of them would do on his Silent Retreat. What books was he taking? What was the agenda? What was he planning to meditate on or seek God’s counsel about?

The other pastor was perplexed and simply answered, “I hadn’t thought about it. I am not sure what we will do. I just figure God would like to spend time with me.”

So, I determined that I would only take my Bible, since that is the primary way God speaks to me.

For 7 hours, I didn’t talk or even sing. I didn’t listen to music or podcasts or watch anything on You tube or TV.

I mostly stared, sipped coffee, stretched, took a nap, snacked, read my bible and listened.

I didn’t really even pray, at least in the way that most usually think of praying. I didn’t ask for anything. Not clarity or insight or a vision of my future (though I was secretly hoping to experience something grandiose and miraculous (perhaps a profound display of light, a burning bush or turning my water to wine 😉).

I tried to keep it simple and practice this breakdown of Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am.

Be still and know.

Be still.

Be.

Like many things in our life, it was “simple but not easy.”

By the end of the day, I did not hear anything audible from God. I did not have new clarity on my life circumstances. I saw no flames or fire.

But, I did notice the beginning of the sludge settling to the bottom and the river water becoming ever so slightly free of debris. My spirit felt more free, content and grounded than it had in quite some time.

I plan to return monthly and listen some more. But in the meantime, I am asking God to remind me and assist me and visit me as I sit still daily. It’s a matter of trust; trusting that God knows what I need and will provide the strength and guidance to follow His Will His Way in His Time.

Oddly, at least for me, I spent most of the time reading from the Old Testament during my retreat. Specifically, I read from 2 Chronicles. Over and over again it tells stories of Kings who “resolved to inquire of the Lord” (2 Chronicles 20:3) and Kings who “abandoned the Lord” (2 Chronicles 12:1,2). As they led their people into battle or were being attacked by their enemy, the ones who either ignored God or sought guidance from authorities other than God were inevitably destroyed and conquered.

But to the ones who asked God’s advice on the matter and followed it, to them He gave victory, often without having to lift a finger to fight in battle. One phrase is repeated in several chapters as the outcome for the people ruled by Kings who trusted God and were willing to be still before Him and seek Him first: He gave the rest on every side (2 Chronicles 14:7, 15:15, 20:30).

I’ll leave you with my meditation passage on that day:

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the lord will bring you today…the Lord will fight for you; YOU NEED ONLY BE STILL.” Exodus 14:13, 14