I may have mentioned this a few hundred times in previous blogs, but occasionally I get sidetracked and start writing for the wrong reasons. I start writing because I feel like I should or “have to” so people keep reading, I don’t lose traction or risk being forgotten as a writer altogether.
I sometimes write because of pressure.
I sometimes write because I am feeling compelled to teach a lesson.
I sometimes write because I have turned a “need to” or “want to” into a “have to”.
None of those are the reasons I started writing or complied 300 blogs in to 2 books.
When asked “why” I write, my standard answer is “I write to let others know they are not alone in their struggles and that there is always hope.” I have said it thousands of times.
But there is an important part of that sentence that, when life gets hectic or I start focusing on the wrong things, I forget.
I forget that part of why people read anything I put out there, is because I share in the messy. I do my best to be real and raw and talk about my problems, stresses and shortcomings in real-time.
I haven’t written for awhile because I felt like I was going a hundred miles an hour doing some pretty fun stuff: weddings, family reunions, women’s events, cancer survivor celebrations.
But with all that fun stuff, comes distraction from the routine of writing, reading, meditating, solitude. It’s easy to neglect your feelings or avoid processing those issues that frequently pop up when there are big life events and tight schedules.
I was with some people last night and one wise woman was talking about how she has been feeling “fragmented” lately. Unable to focus. Pulled in multiple direction with an increasing inability to find that sweet spot of serenity that she is chasing. That she once had.
As soon as she said it I knew that I was in her presence just so I could have someone put words to what I was feeling: fragmented.
One synonym for fragmented is “smashed to smithereens.” 🙂
While I feel like that might be a little extreme, at least as of today, I resonate with another synonym offered: disunified.
My spirit feels disunified and uptight.
I am having trouble defining and focusing on my primary purpose. Catching up on work and “book stuff” and reconnecting with people I have been too busy to see has got me running around in circles, at least in my head.
Yesterday, I could sense it coming to a head and was literally unable to even do the “next right thing”. I couldn’t do one thing without my mind worrying about or trying to “figure out” another at the same time.
One thing I learned from writing, from the very beginning, is that it helps me unravel my brain and emotions. My fragmented feelings and fragmented faith and fragmented mind.
Maybe none of this makes sense to you.
If that’s the case, count your blessings and check out some of my more lighthearted blogs about squirrels or Seinfeld (here or here).
But, if you ever feel even the slightest bit unable to focus, or sit in silence comfortably, or pulled in every direction, maybe you can know that you are indeed not alone.
And there is always hope. But connecting to hope and peace and your primary purpose takes a certain amount of intentionality and refusal to let everyone and everything else drive your ship.
I was watching the show “The Chosen” last night. We can talk about my obsession with Jesus as a result of watching this at another time. But one thing that Jesus said to Mary Magdalene when she asked where he was going was, “I need to be alone”.
I thought to myself, “me too.”
One of the best ways I can refocus and get my head straight, is to spend time in solitude in a place that helps me feel at rest.
If Jesus needed time alone with his Father in order to recover and recenter, there’s a pretty good chance that I might need it as well.
